Nasty Men

by Jay Carter

Book Overview

The bestselling author of Nasty People explains what makes "nasty men" tick and gives women the tools they need to fight back. This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0809237946
• ISBN13: 9780809237944
• Release Date: September 1993
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill Companies
• Length: 130 Pages
• Weight: 0.40 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.4" x 5.4" x 8.2"

Customer Reviews

Double Standards--Alive and Well

For the connoisseur of sexist double standards, this book and "Nasty Women" are both a real treat. In "Nasty Men" the author states that one should never base your self-esteem on another's opinion. However in "Nasty Women" it is evident that Jay considers it acceptable and correct for a man to base his self-esteem on a woman's estimation of him. He goes on to say it is acceptable for a woman to have control over a man's self-esteem and to use that control to motivate said man into accepting and attempting to achieve the expectations and standards she sets out for him. One of the women in "Nasty Women" describes her husband thus: "When we first married he was a slob, ignorant and irresponsible. He's much better now." Her husband believed, on the other hand, that she liked him better during the initial stages of the relationship, suggesting her highly critical behavior was reserved for later on. In other worlds, she built him up early on in the relationship only to tear him down later on. In "Nasty Men" Jay outlines the profile of an `invalidator'. An invalidator focuses on the flaws of their spouse--oops, sorry, got a bit gender neutral there--their _wife_. An invalidator praises their spouse--gets them addicted to the self-esteem boost they provide--then tears them down. Of course from "Nasty Women" we see that when a wife focuses on the flaws of her husband, builds him up in the initial stages of the relationship, only to cut him down later on, this is not at all abusive, but appropriate behavior. Jay explicitly outlines this very strategy for women to wield influence over their husbands. He advises women to offer praise then criticize. To build their husbands up then tear them down. If we translate the advice given in "Nasty Women" into the descriptions given in "Nasty Men" Jay is advising women to be abusive invalidators! His only caveat is that women moderate their invalidation so that men don't turn off completely--In order to prevent men from waking up to the abuse and exiting the relationship emotionally, women must remember to moderate their invalidation with praise. Interestingly, waking up to the abuse and exiting the relationship emotionally is exactly the strategy he advises women to do when confronted with a male `invalidator.' Reversing this, let's imagine Jay implied it was acceptable for men to set the standards of behavior and conduct for their wives, then said men should use their control over their wives' self esteem to motivate them to achieve those standards. Then he said that men shouldn't be too invalidating, or their wives will catch on and take steps to protect themselves emotionally. Horrifyingly sexist? Yes it is. But here's a wake-up call. It's sexist BOTH ways. And only one is being advocated by the author. Finally, some mention is made of the reason why women become nasty--previous emotional abuse, trauma, etc. Little mention is made of the possibility men might become nasty due to some previous trauma

Excellent!

Very good and thought provoking analysis of abusive relationships. The author seems to have a good understanding of the fact that abuse does not require physical damage. Although he starts out with an offensive reference to the abuser who "may be hurting you big time (having and affair) or just a little (putting you down)...", later in the book he seems to get it that just "putting you down" can be the most insideous and damaging kind of abuse. I highly recommend the book for both men and women. Even though most of the references to the abuser are in the male gender, the author acknowledges that abusers ("nasty people") can be of either gender.

This Book Changed My Life

I was in an abusive love relationship for twelve years, that finally ended when my husband walked out on myself and my 6 month old baby (I had quit my job, and he decided I was no longer financially useful for him). I really considered taking this person back when he found out he couldn't keep all our assets in the divorce, and then I read this book. This is him! You won't believe how well this book describes your nasty man. The book is very clear that THIS PERSON WON'T CHANGE. It was these words that gave me the courage not to take him back. I highly reccomend this book - I can't say enough good things about it.

This Book Is Priceless

For all the books I've read in the past regarding relationships and the "men who hate women" categories, this one is priceless.It encompasses all the rest, and amazingly compact, makes for easy reading.Jay Carter tells it like it is without resorting to gimmickry often found in other books.He tells us that there are just some men who cannot change, and we must accept it. We should either leave them or if we really want to put up with lifelong abuse, learn to deal with them.He also mentions, as many other books do, about the dangerous psychopathic personality and that this sort of man must be avoided at all costs.What I liked best was the lengthy and informative chapters in which Carter teaches us to deconstruct our fantasies about love.He is an excellent writer and seems to have the talent to KNOW human nature.Besides this book, I would also recommend, "Let's Face It, Men Are Assh-les" by Joseph Rock and Barry Duncan.For women who have dealt with many "jerks" and bad men, I would also recommend reading books about psychopathy, like Dr. Hare's "Without Conscience" and so forth.

Most excellent book on describing mens personalities.

This book is excellent. It helped me realize the personality types of men and that they won't change ( unless they want to). After being in 2 relationships that were described in this book, I now know that you can change and find a decent man. You just have to look a little harder. It also has tips on how to deal with the man that is of the personality types listed. It is a must read book.