Twin Dicks Private Eyes: The Stiff Competition

By Matthew Douglas

A filthy, fast-paced noir detective comedy about two private
eyes who should not be trusted with a corpse - let alone a case.

Welcome to Island Park, Long Island, where the beer is cheap, the
air smells like jet fuel, and bad decisions have a body count.

Meet Carter Flint and Georgie Boy - the barely functional
proprietors of Twin Dicks Private Investigations. They operate out
of a dusty office above The Lonely Loon, a dive bar that smells like
stale hops, regret, and unresolved trauma. They are not the best
detectives on Long Island. They are not even the best detectives
in the strip mall. But they are the only ones desperate enough to
take this job.

THE CASE: THE STIFF COMPETITION

It starts like any other Tuesday - with a hangover and a final
notice on the electric bill.

When the widow of a legendary fertilizer tycoon walks into their
office with a fat envelope of cash and a disturbing story about her
late husband's desecration, Carter and Georgie think their luck has
finally turned.

The assignment sounds simple: go to the ultra-exclusive Gilded Lily
Country Club, find out who's been getting too friendly with Barnaby
O'Tool, and shut it down before the public viewing on Sunday.

It is not simple.

Instead of a garden-variety grave robber, the Twin Dicks stumble
into a conspiracy that violates the penal code, God's law, and
basic hygiene. What they find includes a high-stakes underground
card game with a deeply disturbing membership requirement, a
landscaping crew that takes "groundskeeping" entirely too literally,
and a yellow wood chipper with a suspicious appetite for human
flesh.

Armed with a rusted 1974 Chevy Nova, a Smith & Wesson Model 36,
and a pack of seventeen-dollar Yellow Apple Luxury cigarettes,
Carter and Georgie have one chance to bust the ring before they
end up as mulch on the eighteenth hole.

THE CAST

CARTER FLINT - A cynical, chain-smoking ex-cop who maps his
regrets in cigarette burns across his desk. Dreams of a better life.
Mostly dreams of paying his bar tab.

GEORGIE BOY - Carter's partner, best friend, and designated
human shield. Possesses a heart of gold, a stomach of steel, and
the survival instincts of a golden retriever in traffic.

LOLA "LEGS" LAPINSKI - A sultry wildcard who knows where all
the bodies are buried. Sometimes literally.

WHY YOU'LL READ THE WHOLE SERIES IN ONE WEEKEND

Because you want to laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable afterward.
Because you've always wondered if it's still murder when the guy
was already dead. Because this might be the only detective novel
you read this year that features a billionaire corpse in a
leopard-print thong.

Perfect for fans of Tim Dorsey, Dave Barry, Carl Hiaasen,
and Joe Lansdale.

The Stiff Competition is Book 1 in the Twin Dicks Private
Eyes series. Pour a drink. Light up. Open the file.
The Twin Dicks are open for business.

Continue the series - Books 2 and 3 available now.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: B0GHNQMHWG
• ISBN13: 9798244543278
• Release Date: January 2026
• Publisher: Independently Published
• Length: 136 Pages
• Weight: 0.31 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.3" x 5.0" x 8.0"