The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace

by Laura Doyle and Doyle R.

Book Overview

A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave. Like millions... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0743204441
• Release Date: January 2001
• Publisher: Touchstone
• Length: 288 Pages
• Weight: 0.63 lbs.
• Dimensions: 8.4" x 0.7" x 5.5"

Customer Reviews

Look Beyond the Feminist Manifesto and Choose Happiness

For those women who have actually read this book (not just the back cover) and still find fault with its overwhelmingly simple premise-that of respecting your partner in life-I can only suppose that complete control is more important to them than happiness. To be sure, reading the book and following through with Doyle's suggestions require courage. I'll admit that I bought the book on a lark, since its title and wildly differing reviews intrigued me-but, as I read through the first chapter I began to realize that I wanted what Doyle promised; I wanted happiness and fulfillment in my relationship, and I wanted my partner to adore me. Yes, the prospect of relinquishing control over my partner was uncomfortable and even frightening, but the final payoff was so much more appealing to me that I decided to follow through with the rest of the book. Careful reading through this book reveals no mention of "submitting," and Doyle is careful to mention that no woman should ever surrender to an abusive husband or one who is in the grip of an addiction. But, this aside, the chances are that your husband is a worthwhile and loving man who deserves to be treated the way you want to be treated-with trust and respect. I accepted this premise by reasoning that it didn't reflect well on me and my own judgment if I had chosen to be with a man who was untrustworthy and incapable of making his own decisions-and so much so that I had to take over the management of his life. What Doyle means when she says to "surrender" is to let go of unnecessary control over your husband's life. It does not mean to relinquish control of your own life to your husband. In fact, by giving up the day-to-day hassle of micro-managing your husband's life, you should find that you have abundant time and energy to devote to your own decision-making, self-care, and happiness. This is what I discovered when I began to surrender in my own relationship. I am fortunate-as many women in this country are-to be with a wonderful and loving man who is also imperfect and frequently makes decisions I consider to be ridiculous. In surrendering I decided I would no longer criticize his choices, but instead trust his ability to make his own decisions and learn from whatever mistakes he might make. This is why Doyle advocates telling your husband, "Whatever you think" instead of imposing your own opinion on him. You are not accepting his decisions about his own life and his opinions simply because he is a man, but because he is a human being and the person with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life. I have read the entire book three times, and as a result of putting its principles into practice, I have found that my partner has become the dream-man that always wanted-attentive, loving, thoughtful. As for the excess time and energy I now have since I've given up the full-time job of managing my partner, I can now put that into more important activities, like my work (I am cu

Surrendering really WORKS!

I was desperate for intimacy in my marriage. I thought I had married the wrong man. I was depressed. After reading this book, I realized that my husband was not the problem - I was the problem, and that the reason our marriage was at an all-time low was because I was really a controlling person in every way - I barked orders at my husband all the time, controlled household improvement projects, told him how to drive, how to dress, when to send his mom a birthday card, what our social schedule was... I controlled all the conversations, finished his sentences, talked to him like a child! This is just the tip of the iceberg of the control I had over the marriage. Bottom line is that I believed that I was the smarter one, the better one, the more mature one... no wonder he began spending most of his time in the garage, far away from me!What this book taught me is that, to create greater intimacy in a marriage, you need to surrender control of things and give some of that back to your husband. It doesn't mean that you lose control altogether... in actuality, you really gain freedom, because you are not responsible for everything and anything. The book teaches you how to take care of yourself FIRST, to allow your husband to manage things such as the finances (this is hard to reliquish control of, but the freedom you get in return is priceless!), to allow him to have greater responsibility of the children, to take more control of household duties, etc., etc. - basically all the things you're always nagging him about! Surrendering these things lets your husband know you trust him, lets him know that you have confidence in him. Because he knows this, he is secure with himself, and more likely to take more responsibility... More than that, his happiness leads to your happiness... which leads to greater intimacy!I can honestly say that the $10 I spent on this book has helped me to recognize areas in my life where I need to surrender control. In just a few weeks, I can see a difference. Believe me, I was just as skeptical as you may be while reading this... but give it a try! If I can commit to this, YOU can too! The book is easy to read, and I got through it in just a few days.In a nutshell, giving up control of everything gives you the freedom to enjoy life more fully, as an individual, and as a wife!

Surprised Myself

Ordered this after seeing author on Dateline. Very skeptical because I am a feminist and a psychologist--surrender is a loaded term. Reading it helps me understand what my husband meant when he said he was afraid of me--me, a small, demure and calm person! Have just started to apply her suggestions,the tension in our home is dropping and I'm getting affection that has been missing for a long time.And best of all--I do not feel diminished in any way--treating my husband with the same kind of respect I expect makes me feel better about myself. I feel more optimism than I have in the last 15 years with 5 different marriage counselors.

Don't judge this book by it's title

Although it's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to the title, try to be open minded, there is a lot of value in this well-written book. Doyle promotes women being the boss at work and equal pay for equal work. This book is specifically about women trying to find intimacy in marriage, based on her experience. The author clearly states that surrendered does not mean submissive or silent. A surrendered wife cleanly expresses how SHE feels and what SHE wants instead of trying to control her husband. Surrendering is coming to terms with reality--that YOU are the only one YOU can change. Doyle gives practical tips and tools for replacing critical, controlling, or nagging behavior with respect, trust and gratitude. (Criticism does have a chilling effect on intimacy.) Like the serenity prayer says, God grant me the courage to change what I can(me), to accept what I cannot change(him), and the wisdom to know the difference (between him & me). If you are interested in finding more intimacy in your marriage (remember the man who wooed you and you married?), take the challenge to read TSW, and really listen and think about these ideas. Note: If your spouse is an alcoholic, a drug/gambling addict, physically abusive or incapable of being faithful, Doyle doesn't advise surrendering.