Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man

by Scott Wetzler

Book Overview

With more than 100,000 copies in print, Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man draws on case histories from clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler's practice to help you identify the destructive behavior, the root causes and motivations, and solutions.

Do you know one of these men?

The catch-me-if-you-can lover...

Phil's romantic and passionate one minute, distant and cold the next.

The deviously...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0671870742
• ISBN13: 9780671870744
• Release Date: October 1993
• Publisher: Touchstone Books
• Length: 208 Pages
• Weight: 0.48 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.5" x 5.5" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

Saved my sanity!

This book saved my sanity.... As dramatic as that may sound it's absolutely true... For 35 years I knew something wasn't quite right with our marriage, although he told me "I love you" daily... When a couple's counselor (we were seeing together and individually) accidentally let it slip that I was with the most passive aggressive man she'd ever seen in her life, I went straight to the bookstore and this was the only book they had on passive aggressive men.... I read it cover to cover that day,, because it was answering every unanswered question I had... it explained everything.... All of a sudden everything made sense... It explained that this is so deep rooted that it will probably never change... I finally completely understood the old adage, actions speak louder than words.... Just because he says he loves you every single day, if his action's don't lineup then it's not true... I felt like I found a roadmap for where my life had been for the last 35 years, perplexing mysteries explained... Slowly I started reclaiming my self esteem that had been destroyed bit by bit. I give this book total credit for saving my sanity and getting me on the path to rebuilding my life...

It reads like an interview with myself

This book validates the experiences of anyone who lives with a passive-aggressive personality man. I was relieved to know someone KNEW what life is like with a PA man. I've read many books related to the need for control and manipulative "games", but this book had the greatest impact. The book also helped me realize how much my behvior is changing due to the impact of living with the PA man - like the frog who slowly boils to death unaware of the water's temperature change. Had I found this book long ago, it would have saved many painful years.

Restore your sanity!

"Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal. There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder. 1. Fear of Dependency 2. Fear of Intimacy 3. Fear of Competition 4. Obstructionism 5. Fostering Chaos 6. Feeling Victimized 7. Making Excuses and Lying 8. Procrastination 9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness 10. Ambiguity 11. Sulking My ex-husband regularly displayed every single one. There is no way to please these people. Although the implication is always that your inadequacies are the reason for their discontent, their problem is so complex and ingrained it is virtually impossible to eradicate. Nothing anyone provides for them is ever enough to calm their fears, self doubt, and bolster their low self esteem. The 'cure' is a constantly moving target, partially because they often ask for the opposite of what they really want, if they bother to ask at all. Usually it's a guessing game: they let you know they're displeased in a covert and passive way, but you have to try to figure out why. They will deny their anger if directly confronted. Nothing anyone does for them is ever good enough. It is almost universal within a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex. That and deliberate action, or inaction, that denies pleasure to their partner when they do engage in intercourse is their ultimate expression of hostility and control. Does any of this sound familiar? If so, this is the book to read to help restore some of your sanity. For years I refered to my then husband as 'Passive Agressive' without really understanding the disorder.

floundering

My mouth literally fell open when I read this book. Everything was there.... I knew something wasn't right with my ex-husbamd but could only find bits and pieces of the puzzle.. until I read this book. It explained everything. Very comprehensive, insightful, and indeed helpful, if not truly lifesaving (emotionally). Things that my ex even SAID was in there. Talk about spooky. After reading the other reviews, and not wanting to be redundant (the others certainly have captured the essence of the breed), I will just say that these "nice guys" really have a way of making you feel as though your wrong, crazy, too sensitive, and they are just victims of your unjustified tirades. After reading this book I regained my self-esteem, found my emotional footing and never looked back. I strongly recommend this book to any woman who has to deal with a "(p)assive-aggressive" male. It is worth every penny!

Like reading a biography of my ex-husband...

I am so grateful to Scott Wetzler for writing this book. It has allowed me to forgive myself for taking the final step and getting a divorce, de-coupling from a situation which only someone with iron-clad self-esteem and unswerving vigilance could survive."He doesn't hit you, he doesn't drink, he doesn't run around, and he likes to cook. What more could you want in a husband?" That's what my ex's late mother used to say. But something was definitely wrong with this picture. He wouldn't work. He wouldn't talk. He wouldn't acknowledge responsibility for anything. But he loved therapy. Years and years of couples counseling didn't help. I found it hard to get a handle on what was wrong until reading this book. Wetzler successfully calls attention to the "sins of omission" as opposed to the "sins of commission" and that truly is the crux of the problem. Also, the slippery logic, the convoluted rationalizations, the comfort of paralysis, the narcissistic view of the universe. I was trying to engage in give-and-take with a passive aggressive man, and that is plain impossible. My hands just kept sticking to the tar baby.My ex was good-looking, intelligent, and charming. But the solitude, the procrastination, the silent treatment, the inability to hold a job, the supreme sense of entitlement, the refusal to argue or engage in any discussion of issues, blaming me for his failures, using abstinence as a weapon... In ten years of marriage, my husband never uttered my name.I kept waiting for the waves of remorse to flow over me after I'd made the decision to separate. After all, I was 36 when I married him. Although I should have been wise then, I let me desire for a family and my desire to "help" him blind me to the obvious. Now I feel as if an albatross has been removed from my neck. I have renewed strength. My self-esteem is returning. I am vigilant as a bulldog because we have two small children. PAs are basically scofflaws who discount all negotiated agreements, don't feel rules apply to them (taxes? child support? are you kidding?), and will manipulate even little children to get their way. I am now prepared, thanks to Dr. Wetzler, to stand my ground.