After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship

by Daniel B. Wile

Book Overview

What do partners do after a fight? If they're like most people, they apologize: "I'm sorry. I had a bad day and I took it out on you." Or, they wake up the next morning and pretend that nothing happened, hoping their partner will do the same. In neither case do they talk about the fight. They're too afraid that doing so will simply rekindle it--and they're right; it probably would. But since they don't talk about the fight, nothing ever really gets...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1572300264
• ISBN13: 9781572300262
• Release Date: September 1995
• Publisher: Guilford Publications
• Length: 326 Pages
• Weight: 1.15 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 6.0" x 9.0"

Customer Reviews

Terrific Read

As a masters student in psychology this book was required reading. It is a terrific account of a first hand case study involving a couple. You get to read both sides and the therapist view point. Very enlightning and helps the beginner to see what the master sees. Also good for anyone looking for more insight into their own relationship.

Having worked with Wile...

Before it went out of print, "After the Honeymoon: how conflict can improve your relationship" was my standard wedding gift. I was fortunate to have a few session with him 10 years ago, and I still put his principles into practice on a daily basis. I also use them when I teach about conflict in my Interpersonal Communication 101 class. He goes beyond the standard advice, which most of my students already know (things like "don't loose your temper") and helps couples deal with the situations we actually find ourselves in (things like we do loose our tempers, its actually normal, and so now what?)I found his use of examples very helpful, his approach heartening, and his suggestions practical, and though it takes willingness and commitment, they have really paid off. I felt empowered and hopeful. Owning his books is like having compassionate, insightful and skilled couple's councelor in your pocket. Take advantage of his immense contribution to the field.

More useful & real than typical pop psychology books

People looking to improve relationships, to better understand themselves and be better understood by others, will benefit much more from THIS book than from 100 of your typical pop psychology books -- you know, the ones whose titles usually start with numbers ("The seven ways to...", "The eight types of...", and so on.) This book allows people to see what a good therapist might be thinking while working with a fighting couple (don't you always wonder what the therapist is really thinking?), AND to see what the couple themselves are thinking. An important aspect of the book is giving people the benefit of the doubt... but also turning an honestly critical eye on oneself as well as others.It's not a book that claims "If someone says X, she *REALLY* means ....". The tone is far less judgmental than that. In fact, Wile takes care to point out that he doesn't have one right answer or one right interpretation of what goes on during the night in the life of this couple. He makes clear that he, as a therapist, is a human being like anyone else and is subject to the same foibles as the couple illustrated here. We all are. He simply has acquired some pretty good insights about how these things work. (He's a Ph.D. psychologist in private practice, or was at the time of publication of this book anyway.)Wile focuses (among other things) on people's need to get their points across. Reading this book makes the reader feel understood, and then helps the reader see what the other person in a fight might need to get across. It's the kind of book that makes you want to turn around and give it to significant others in your life after you've finished reading it yourself and saying, "Yeah! That's it!" every other page. I think it helps people slow down, take a step back, and be less defensive (without even knowing it, as Wile points out) in dealings with other people.The book is an extended, in-depth analysis of one single fight in one couple. This focus is a great way for us to see the practical realities of what Wile is talking about -- as opposed to glib principles, which many books offer alone. If you're not already familiar with psychological lingo, don't let some of the terminology in the introduction put you off. The book as a whole is extremely understandable, real, and useful. It's one of those books you wish everyone would read, but, unlike many popular self-help or psychology books, it's not a flash in the pan. If you can read this and take it to heart it can make a lasting difference in how you do things. Not a quick fix, but a serious improvement.I suppose if there's anything I don't like about it it's some of the lingo (which is well explained) and that it's a bit repetitive -- but that's easy to deal with because the format of the book is such that it becomes easy to identify and just skim some sections at the end which pretty much repeat things already covered (if you want to).I do strongly recomme