Twin Dicks Private Eyes: The Stiff Competition

By Matthew Douglas

A filthy, fast-paced noir detective comedy about two private eyes who should not be trusted with a corpse-let alone a case.

Welcome to Island Park, Long Island, where the beer is cheap, the air smells like jet fuel, and bad decisions have a body count.

Meet Carter Flint and Georgie Boy, the barely functional proprietors of Twin Dicks Private Investigations. They operate out of a dusty office above The Lonely Loon-a dive bar that smells like stale hops, regret, and unresolved trauma. They are not the best detectives on Long Island. They are not even the best detectives in the strip mall. But they are the only ones desperate enough to take this job.

THE CASE: THE STIFF COMPETITION

It starts like any other Tuesday: with a hangover and a final notice on the electric bill.

When the widow of a legendary fertilizer tycoon walks into their office with a fat envelope of cash and a disturbing story about her late husband's "desecration," Carter and Georgie think their luck has finally turned.

The assignment sounds simple:
Go to the ultra-exclusive Gilded Lily Country Club, find out who's digging up Barnaby O'Tool, and shut it down.

It is not simple.

Instead of a garden-variety grave robber, the Twin Dicks stumble into a conspiracy that violates the penal code, God's law, and basic hygiene. What they find includes a high-stakes necrophilia poker ring, a landscaping crew that takes "groundskeeping" way too literally, and a yellow wood chipper with a suspicious appetite for human flesh.

Armed with a rusted Chevy Nova, a sawed-off shotgun that allegedly shoots ghosts, and a pack of Yellow Apple Luxury Cigarettes, Carter and Georgie have one chance to bust the ring before they end up as mulch on the eighteenth hole.

THE CAST

CARTER FLINT - A cynical, chain-smoking romantic who maps his regrets in cigarette burns across his desk. Dreams of a better life. Mostly dreams of paying his bar tab.

GEORGIE BOY - Carter's partner, best friend, and designated human shield. Possesses a heart of gold, a stomach of steel, and the survival instincts of a golden retriever in traffic.

LOLA - A sultry wildcard who knows where all the bodies are buried. Sometimes literally.

THE VIBE

Think hardboiled pulp meets filthy comedy.
Think The Big Lebowski colliding with grindhouse noir.
Twin Dicks Private Eyes is a serialized detective story for readers who like their mysteries fast, funny, and unapologetically wrong.

WHY READ IT

Because you want to laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable afterward.
Because you've always wondered if it's still murder when the guy was already dead.
Because this might be the only detective novel you read this year that features a billionaire corpse in a leopard-print thong.

Pour a drink. Light up. Open the file.

The Twin Dicks are open for business.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: B0GHNQMHWG
• ISBN13: 9798244543278
• Release Date: January 2026
• Publisher: Independently Published
• Length: 136 Pages
• Weight: 0.31 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.3" x 5.0" x 8.0"