The Very Private Diary Of Emily Jade Murphy (Aged 0)

By Paul Murphy D&E

The Very Private Diary of Emily Jade Murphy

The world as seen thru' the eyes of the world's most sarcastic new-born

For example:

Wednesday February 16th

5.54 p.m.

I am not too sure how the Dadsy changes his own nappies, but if it is anything like his efforts to change mine, he must have very little time for anything else in his day.
Having 'gladly' (his version) / 'reluctantly under pressure of severe nagging' (the truth) "volunteered" to have his first solo outing this evening, he has stretched a five-minute job into half an hour, and still left the Mumsy to clear up after him.

First he put me on my changing mat (so far so good), and then stood around looking perplexed at all the accoutrements the Mumsy had laid out for him to use (this is so far as the good went).
Next, having put so many cottonwool balls in the water jug that they absorbed every last drop in it, leaving him with basically a wet sheep, he then surmised that maybe removing my body-suit first might be the way to go. Said article removed, he then unVelcro'd the enclosed nappy and opened it. He then went fifty shades of green. He then looked huffily at the Mumsy as she laughed at him.
Treating the objet d'pooh like it was Nitroglycerin, he delicately lifted it away, millimetre by millimetre, cautiously using only the outermost parts of his fingernails - whereupon he dropped it business-end down on the duvet. Whereupon the Mumsy stopped laughing.

Next he cleaned the relevant area of me, managing to use almost a whole packet of wipes (causing the Mumsy to comment that he would have used less had he been washing the car with them), and then buffed my bottom with a cloth for so long it became transparent. Then came the nappy cream, of which I ended up with so much slathered on me that my nether area looked like an iced wedding cake. All the while the kind Mumsy gave out such helpful words as "that stuff is 10 a tub" and "would you like me to get you a trowel, darling?"

Having scraped enough nappy cream off me as to allow my bottom to actually fit into the fresh nappy, the Dadsy then tried to get said item affixed. Despite it having only two sides and a top and a bottom, it took five goes, stopping just short of constructing the nappy first and then attempting to fit me into it like a ship in a bottle.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: B0FR4DB72C
• ISBN13: 9798265297747
• Release Date: September 2025
• Publisher: Independently Published
• Length: 174 Pages
• Weight: 0.53 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.4" x 6.0" x 9.0"