The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate

by Harriet Lerner

Book Overview

Bestselling author Harriet Lerner focuses on the challenge and the importance of being able to express one's authentic voice in intimate relationships.

The key problem in relationships, particularly over time, is that people begin to lose their voice. Despite decades of assertiveness training and lots of good advice about communicating with clarity, timing, and tact, women and men find that their greatest complaints in marriage...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 006095616X
• ISBN13: 9780060956165
• Release Date: August 2002
• Publisher: William Morrow & Company
• Length: 272 Pages
• Weight: 0.40 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.3" x 8.0"

Customer Reviews

Therapy in a book

I read Dance of Connection a few months after the Dance of Anger. Both are immediately applicable in your own relationships. The author gives you reasonable expectations and at the same time this is a book so full of knowledge. Her mixture of story telling and descriptive, direct language results in thorough understanding for readers. I highly recommend this book.

AFFIRMING AND LIFE CHANGING

I'm a therapist, and like therapists around the country I recommend Lerner's books to my clients, especially THE DANCE OF ANGER. To be honest, I thought she had said it all. But to my surprise, she really outdid herself in this book. No one can afford to miss this one. Her writing is witty, engaging and her advice is solid and clear as a bell. She teaches us how to talk to the most difficult people in the most difficult situations, like when we are betrayed, rejected, insulted, or cut-off. This book offers help when we can't figure out whether to stay or leave a relationship, when we can't make ourselves heard, or when a partner or family member can't or won't apologize. It's a book to read slowly and savor, because it will change your life. Or you might just zip through it because you can't put it down.

THE BEST "DANCE" BOOK YET!

"I've read all of Harriet Lerner's books starting with The Dance of Anger which has been my relationship bible. But The Dance of Connection is her best book yet. Lerner is wise and helpful, funny and real. The chapters that meant the most to me was one on clarifying a bottom line and another about "voicing the ultimate" in marriage. I finally got the difference between complaining and being able to take a clear position with my husband--and stay with it. Together with the chapter on warming things up, this book has already made a huge difference in my marriage. I was also fascinated by the author's revealing story about her dad's silence and how it effected the family. There's terrific advice on how to "find your voice"--and what to do and say--when you are rejected and cut off by a family member.

Harriet Lerner Writes the Dance of Empathy and Understanding

Harriet Lerner has written a book that speaks to the best in all of us. She speaks of being able to feel, think, and speak at the same time, or at least in some reasonable time frame. She deals with issues of hurt, anger, resentment, individuation, autonomy so well, while at the same time respecting relationships, and learning to foster more intimate ones. There is nothing "gamey" about her advice, nothing manipulative, no oneupmanship, no proving, just honesty and caring in a respectful way. There are so many self-help books around on relationships that get people in more trouble than they were before. Dr. Lerner has succeeded in providing wisdom, humility, humor and understanding so that people can grow and develop throughout the life cycle.

COMMUNICATION - THE KEY TO RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL!

When we are in a highly emotional state, i.e., anger, fear, frustration, hurt, etc., all kinds of physical changes start to take place within our body from increased heart beat to increased adrenaline. We can also over-react by saying things we do not mean and uttering words which should never be said. Once spoken, we can apologize but often the hurt remains, in some cases for years."The Dance of Connection" is an excellent starting point in learning how to communicate with your partner, children and others in a positive, effective manner. I have counselled many individuals who said they simply could not communicate with their partner. "He/she does not understand" and "He or she does not listen" are the most common complaints. Perhaps, part of the problem lies in not relaying the message in a respectful, honest, courteous manner or failing to choose the appropriate words. Yelling, ranting and raving accomplishes nothing and irritates everyone.Through the pages of this book, readers will have a better understanding of how to expand their communication skills so that conflicts can be resolved and people will open up to you. Part of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener, a skill which some people have not yet learned. It is safe to say that effective communication is not a "one shoe fits all approach" and readers will benefit most from the book if they they are flexible and adapt what the author has written to their own personal situation. Overall, the book is an excellent starting point in improving communication skills and well worth reading.

Lighten Up, Reach Out in New Ways and Be True to Yourself!

In a moment when we feel safe, loved, comfortable, and relaxed, most people can communicate quite well and strengthen relationships. Catch us off guard with a terrible blow from someone close, and our knees may jerk so hard that they hit us in the jaw. We may say and do things that damage or destroy relationships. What can we do instead of these harmful reactions? How can we repair things once the damage has been done?While many authors have written fine books about building and maintaining good and deteriorating relationships, this book has taken on all of the tough issues as its focus. You think your spouse is cheating with someone else. Your child won't speak to you. Your husband has taken liberties with your daughter. Your best friend says she or he never wants to see you again. There's a terrible family crisis and the other person cuts you off.Dr. Lerner draws on her personal experiences as well as case histories from her practice as a psychotherapist to give you answers. In doing so, she doesn't promise solutions will follow. But you can be sure that you will have done a great deal to try to help the situation.The book starts with the contrast of adult behavior to how children behave. Two children become angry in a sandbox, but five minutes later are quietly playing together again. "They choose happiness over righteousness." Adults usually do the opposite.The essence of the book is to encourage you to figure out what you need to have from a relationship, and to communicate those needs, while finding out the same from the other person. In that simple statement, the book's concept is very much like the better negotiating books (such as Getting to Yes). Naturally, this advice is a lot harder to follow when your most intimate and closest relationships are involved. So you need someone to talk it over with. You can also use this book as a source of coaching for most of the tough personal situations you may find yourself in. While reading this book, you will get more from it if you keep an open mind about the specifics of the advice being presented.The overriding point Dr. Lerner is making is that the other person may be in the wrong, but if you make him or her feel unhappy all of the time about it, you may lose the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, you may win the battle and lose the war.There is a lot of judgmental advice in here about when to be silent, when to speak, and how much to say and in what ways. In different families and with different cultures, these rules will be quite different and Dr. Lerner makes that point explicit. You have to decide how you want to respond. That's what's important.Although this book will seem like a natural to many women, I think most men will benefit as well. The examples go from the perspectives of both sexes, and men will get many valuable ideas for constructive ways to deal with conflict and issues. In my case, I find myself spending a lot of time listening to other people unburden th