Righthand book: Part 1
RIGHTHAND BOOK - THE UNAUTHORIZED GUIDE TO ABSURDITY
Congratulations. You've just purchased a book that doesn't belong on any shelf, unless that shelf is in a haunted restroom or your ex's basement. This isn't a story. This isn't even advice. It's a declaration of war against logic, structure, and the idea that books need to "make sense."
This book is what happens when a man sits too long on the toilet, armed with soup, a used stapler, and unresolved Matrix trauma. Yes, we mention the Matrix. No, not your Matrix. The OTHER Matrix. The one that copyrighted names like "Tank" - a name that clearly belongs to military hardware and fish enthusiasts. So now, we claim your left and right hand as our intellectual property. You don't own your limbs anymore. We do. Welcome to the future. Welcome to page 3.
WHAT'S INSIDE?
- Ancient Mesopotamian letters translated by a guy who failed Latin.
- Financial advice worse than crypto. ("Invest in invisible tape.")
- Philosophical riddles that contradict themselves mid-sentence.
- A chapter titled: "How to Build a Time Machine with Duct Tape & Regret."
- And yes - a page with nothing on it. Because silence is powerful. Or lazy.
WRITTEN IN THE BATHROOM
Literally. The author locked himself in with a pen, a sandwich, and yelling children behind the door. Out came this sacred manuscript of confusion. It smells faintly of bleach and existential dread.
LEGAL & PSYCHOLOGICAL WARNING
This book may cause:
- Sudden belief in nonsense.
- Loss of job if read aloud in Zoom meetings.
- Disagreements with your partner over spending $9.99 on "this."
- Long-term side effects including starting your own cult, tattooing soup cans on your back, and whispering to walls at 3AM.
- 99% chance you'll be institutionalized. That's fine. The author lives there too. You'll write the sequel together.
FAMILY SHAME INCLUDED
This book will rest for 100 years on your toilet. Guests will discover it. They will flip through pages and slowly realize: "This family is not okay." Mission accomplished.
PRACTICAL USES
- Gift it to people you love but also want to confuse.
- Use it as a coaster for sad wine glasses.
- Read it aloud to your dog and blame it for your emotional collapse.
- Leave it in hotel rooms as a warning to future generations.
FINAL MESSAGE
Do not burn this book - the glossy ink may summon the tax demons of Chapter 5.
Do not recycle it - this book will survive the apocalypse and become a sacred text in 2341.
Do not take it seriously - unless you are the author, in which case... I'm sorry, Dimitry, it's too late for help.
WARNING (which you're not going to read anyway):
This book may cause permanent damage to your brain.
Chance you'll end up in an institution? Let's say 99%.
But don't worry - I'm already there.
We can co-write volume two together. There's coffee. Sometimes.
Risks of buying this book:
Serious fights with your partner:
"You spent $9.99 on... THIS?"
Loss of social status:
"Why is this book on your toilet next to 'Recipes for Pet Hair?'"
Irreversible addiction to useless information.
Horrified in-laws asking:
"Is this satire? Or a cry for help?"
You didn't buy the talking picture frame for $9.99.
You bought this book instead. Mistake? Maybe. Maybe not.
We're all just little children inside,
pretending to be adults with coffee and car keys. Warning: This book contains adult-level nonsense, questionable anatomy references, and naked moments in a boat. Not suitable for children, school book reports, or serious philosophers.
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