Leaving Home: The Art of Separating from Your Difficult Family

by David P. Celani

Book Overview

Why, after a childhood of emotional neglect and abuse, would a man move next door to the very parents who caused him pain? And how can a woman emerge from her mother's control in order to form healthy adult relationships?

Giving up family attachments that failed to meet our needs as children, David Celani argues, is the hardest psychological task an adult can undertake. Yet the reality is that many adults re-create the most painful aspects...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0231134770
• ISBN13: 9780231134774
• Release Date: September 2011
• Publisher: Columbia University Press
• Length: 176 Pages
• Weight: 0.50 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 5.5" x 8.2"
• Age Range: 22 years and up
• Grade Range: Postsecondary and higher

Customer Reviews

A Life Saver

Though I have been doing various kinds of healing work for a while (years), few things have helped me to the extent of this little book. "Leaving Home" has not only provided insight, it has provided the clarity and courage I needed to make some real changes in my life. - I honestly believe that many people could benefit from this book; but if you, like me, did come from dysfunctional parenting, this book may be the first step on a road to a real life. Thank God I found this. I mean that. (I even find myself wanting to give it to new parents.)

Very easy to read and understand, very helpful

This book contains a lot of insight into a problem that has felt overwhelming for me to accept for a long time. The best parts of the book for me were: #. The Object-Relations Theory - which was new to me, but beautifully explained in easy to understand words, with lots of examples to illustrate his point. Also with author's regret that it's a shame to be named "Oject-Relations Theory" when dealing with humans (Mother-child). #. Staying Home chapter - various examples of how the dynamics between parent/child work and how he helped them move on to the next stage. It was helpful to learn of the "control drama" - which I had seen play out in my own life; basically meaning that once you decide to move on in life, leave home, the normally abusive parent will suddenly change their behavior to get you to stay. And how being in therapy, and having the therapist change you will most likely be met with disapproval from the abusive parent. But in order to "make the change" you need to stay committed and strong in your own choices. #. I don't feel comfortable sharing too much about my personal life, but I do hope that this book will reach a lot of young people out there, who are in a difficult relationship with their parents. One of the wisest advices or comments I have found in this book was : "Another defensive path that many of my patients take is to try to understand WHY they were not loved or cared for. (p.113) ... The question as to why we were abused is a continuation of our defenses, in that it assumes there is an inherent logic in life, and that we could have done something differently to please our parents. The ultimate "answer" to the question of why we wer rejected, undernurtured, or punished unfairly is simply bad luck - the same bad luck that allows innocent people to be maimed or killed by drunk drivers every year.(p.115)" This is what I meant by accepting the hardest part was for me. I'd already learned to make my choices and be myself, move on, leave home; but the final and most important curiosity was that "Why Question." It's like the idea of opening that pandora's box story... If I understand WHY they behaved that way towards me when I was younger, I could get on with my life. That motivation was what drove me stay for prolonged abusive relationship. Just reading that passage - helped me let go of the Why Question with ease and more acceptance. I may NEVER really get it; but it's no use blinding myself to Why's and Because's - I'd rather feel secure in knowing that I can make choices for myself, and just choose to educate myself how to be a better person who knows how to create lasting loving relationships. (For this, I recommend the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It") For those who would like to read a more personal accout of growing up in an abusive household, I would like to recommend the book "Fresh Out of Hell" by Alyson Kay (although I wish I had borrowed this book from a library instead of buying

review of Leaving Home

I found Leaving Home to be a very clear and helpful exploration of how difficult but necessary it is for adult children to separate from unhealthy family relationships. The book is relatively short and to the point without a lot of therapist/client conversations which I liked.

Still letting everything sink in

I've been in therapy for 4 years and it takes a long time to come to terms with things you never knew existed in your life until now. My whole life I've been pretty much either sad or depressed. Had overwhelming feelings of inferiority and never feeling loved. Except I could never identify the feelings or understand where they were coming from. My therapist recommended this book, telling me that this book is really good at explaining neglect (emotional) and its affects. For me its done what 4 years of therapy could not do and that is really make me face and realize why I am the way I am. Its because of therapy that I can read this book and understand, but this book is kind of like the icing on the cake, just pulling everything together and making it very clear. I think I'm still trying to understand the part in the book the previous reviewer was talking about which is the hopeful self and the wounded self, the hopeful self which needs to give up trying to get love from a parent that never was able to give love to you your whole life. One thing I have to say is that although he does acknowledge that this book is not just about people physically living at home, but also using at a metaphor for people who are still emotionally tied or poeple who maybe have no contact w/ family but recreate this family w/ new relationships. I'm in the last category having felt that I had limited my relationship w/ my parent as much as possible and I don't harbor too much hope for love from her, but I feel as if I have recreated that relationship w/ other people. I wish he had talked more about this and not so much about people who are are tied to the home in more blatant, obvious ways such as living there or calling home everyday. All I can say is that I read this book within one day. I've reread it twice. Its one of those books that you just need. Its clear and to the point. He doesn't make anything pretty for you and tells everything to you in a way that is like you are your own therapist and doctor. Its a book that you will probably have the rest of your life. I love how the previous reviewer said Just Get The Book. I back her up 100 percent. Get it. It's like I can't even explain it, you just have to get the book and see for yourself and then you'll understand.

very helpful book

I devoured this book in one sitting. My situation seems to be exactly what he is addressing (although I do not physically live with my parents). If your parents have somehow refused to give you equal stature with them, and you are trying to work through how to be an adult, this book will help you alot. There are 2 children warring inside you. The first thinks it will all get better, and one day they will love you. (This is the same sort of thinking that sends abused women back to their abusers, the woman saying, "It will all be better now.") The other child in you is hurt and angry, and recalls quite clearly everything they ever did to hurt you. It wants revenge. Have you ever heard an adult child throwing verbal barbs at their parent? That's what was going on. It's ugly, and it will keep you tied to them, and stunted, until you can let go of it. Read the book.