Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Parenting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation, and Divorce

By Benjamin Garber and Benjamin D. Garber

Book Overview

Decades of psychological research has taught us that divorce need not harm children. The damage is done when kids are triangulated into adult conflict, with or without the formalities of marriage or divorce. Enlisted as infantrymen in an adult war, these kids are at tremendous risk for serious social, emotional, educational and health concerns.

Dr. Benjamin Garber -child psychologist, Guardian ad litem, Parenting Coordinator, national speaker and award winning author- paints the picture of the children triangulated into their caregivers' conflict with bold strokes. This is the first book to present this epidemic of childhood as it exists beyond the legalities of divorce. In doing so, Dr. Garber gives us here-and-now useful strategies with which to improve our co-parenting and to keep our kids out of the middle. Dr. Garber brings his background in child and family development, his expertise as a court-appointed evaluator and his deep compassion for children's wellbeing to the task of helping us to better meet our kids' needs. Keeping Kids Out Of The Middle gives parents and child-centered professionals alike the tools with which to:

Improve child-centered communication even among highly conflicted co-parents
Make child-centered decisions about the future of the adult relationship 'Script' adult conflict and family transition so that the kids hear one, consistent message Answer children's painful and provocative questions Create child-centered, post-separation, and post-divorce parenting plans Recognize and minimize the kids' risk of being adultified, parentified, infantilized and alienated Anticipate and respond to 'visitation' resistance and refusal
Keeping Kids Out of the Middle is both a title and a mandate. Its about the health of the next generation. Keeping Kids Out of the Middle is required reading in the ancient art of cooperative caregiving.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0757307116
• ISBN13: 9780757307119
• Release Date: August 2008
• Publisher: Health Communications
• Length: 292 Pages
• Weight: 1.02 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 5.6" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

Wisdom for Families of Divorce

NHPA's Ben Garber has recently published his new book, Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Paernting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation, and Divorce ($14.95 - Health Communications, Inc.), and I feel grateful for the opportunity to provide a review of this valuable work. Dr. Garber's book tackles a subject of great relevence to modern families in conflict, those who offer treatment to these families, and the professionals in the legal community who adjudicate their disputes. As all who have provided treatment to children and families embroiled in divisive conflicts understand, this is complex and treacherous clinical territory to wade into. Children and adolescents caught in the crossfire of parental contests are at great risk for developing emotional, cognitive and behavioral problems. Treatment providers straddle precarious lines when they enter these waters - lines between mothers and fathers, between parents and children, between families, lawyers and courts. Keeping Kids Out of the Middle provides a competent road map for navigating this terrain. The voice that Dr. Garber has used in his book is one that speaks clearly and directly to his audiences. It is free from confusing clinical jargon, but carries the weight of expertise and authority. Packed with down-to-earth practical guidance for parents and professionals alike, Keeping Kids Out of the Middle covers an impressive range of subjects in less than 300 pages, making this a very accessible and helpful read. Some of the topics translated into clear terms in this work include the conditions of adultification, parentification, infantilization, alienation, and the dynamics of splitting. These and other hazards that children of conflicted families face are presented in the context of a how-to manual for protecting children from the indelible harms of parental adversity. Conflict management, communication skills, parenting plans, united fronts, structure, consistency, boundaries, limits, transition plans, and the integration of new parent partners into the fold are all competently explained in detail. In addition to providing practical guidance for protecting children in high conflict families, Dr. Garber infuses his message with a very nuanced moral intonation. While emphasizing that his perspective is free from from biases toward gender, sexual orientation and non-traditional family structures, he effectively conveys a firm ethic that all parents absolutely must place their children's needs ahead of their own. Conflicted parents reading this book are encouraged to feel guilty about succumbing to dysfunctional patterns, and there are no apologies required for this guilt trip. Pulling this off requires a deft talent for pushing the right buttons without pushing readers away, and I found this made the book's lessons more compelling. Keeping Kids Out of the Middle deserves an accessible slot on every family therapist's bookshelf. I have already pulled it out to