If Only I'd Slept More...

By Paul Murphy

If Only I'd Slept More...

A collection of skits, sketches, stories and satires, from the 'unique' imagination of Paul Murphy.

"Stuff I'd amassed over the years, that never got used, in either a book or my stand-up act. Odd bits and bits of odd, usually that come to you at 3 eh-em, when you just wanna sleep, or repaint the Sistine Chapel in the style of M.C. Escher. Eventually you think, 'Well, I got to use this stuff...' - so here's some of it. I knew a guy that once fell down the stairs at M.C. Escher's place... he's still falling..."

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5 THINGS YOU CAN USE A TORTOISE FOR
1. Cracking walnuts.
2. A Frisbee
3. Mugging old ladies.
4. A doorstop.
5. Foreplay.
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5 EXTRACTS FROM THE HITHERTO SECRET COOKING DIARY OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE

November 26: I am attempting to convey my theorem that 'existence precedes essence' in ice cream, but am having little success.

November 28: It is quite clear that dairy products are inherently against my doctrine that when an external object is perceived, consciousness is also conscious of itself; I shall ponder which food group is more amenable to having its thoughts provoked.

November 30: I am working on several dishes at once but posit that, by definition, baked egg-based dishes must better reflect the conflict between oppressive, spiritually destructive conformity and an authentic way of "being". I have redirected my efforts into making the perfect souffle, one that functions ultimately as a bourgeois substitute for real commitment in the world, whilst at the same time, help a modest budget go far.

December 01: Whilst it may be the perfect meal for Marxism, I cannot for the life of me work out how to correlate its spelling with its pronunciation.

December 02: I have tried all combinations of the primary ingredients - egg whites, cream sauce, being and nothingness - but still feel something is lacking.

December 3: I have decided that the missing ingredient from my recipe is unrequited love. I have therefore married a beaver.

December 4: Camus informs me that, statistically, 1 in 4 marriages to aquatic water mammals end in divorce. Part of me is encouraged by this, but part of me cries "He is merely jealous " and wants to inform him that, statistically, every person on this planet has one breast and one testicle.
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• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: B0DM9RPM2N
• ISBN13: 9798345717479
• Release Date: November 2024
• Publisher: Independently Published
• Length: 184 Pages
• Weight: 0.56 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.4" x 6.0" x 9.0"