I Am Borderline: The Synapses of Borderline Personality Disorder

By Farah Zaghmout and Mr Farah Zaghmout

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental illness characterized by at least 5 of the following symptoms: 1.Intense fear of Abandonment and going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. 2.A series of intense, short-lived, and difficult interpersonal relationships.3.Confusion or uncertainty about self-image or self-identity. 4.Impulsive or risky behavior such as, drug abuse, gambling, shopping sprees, unsafe sexual intercourse, quitting a good job, or sabotaging a positive relationship. 5.Suicidal thoughts or threats and self-harm. 6.Emotional instability; changing from intense anger to sorrow to joy in the span of few hours or days. 7.Constant feelings of emptiness or boredom. 8.Intense anger, often perceived as overreacting to trivial issues. 9.Periods of paranoia or loss of contact with reality brought on by stress and lasting from a few minutes to a few hours. BPD is often difficult to diagnose, as it often comes disguised with another mental disorder, such as depression or anxiety, and is at times mistaken for Bipolar Disorder. For years, I have lived with the misdiagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. However, something always did not add up. The problem with BPD, especially in Middle Eastern societies, is that it sounds very familiar; it sounds normal. We are taught from a very young age that we should feel jealous when we care about someone, that we need to fear losing people. Anger is completely normalized; crimes of passion we call them. Whereas suicidal thoughts, feelings of emptiness, and impulsive, risky behaviors are all hidden away from society and attributed to a lack of faith. Putting all of the above together, BPD often goes unnoticed in our societies. This book is a series of poems that I have written throughout the years. It is a dark and unsettling book. It lays in front of you the bare thoughts and feelings of someone suffering from BPD. The sole purpose of this book is to reach out to people with this disorder and to let them know that they are not alone. It is to help people relate to and understand this kind of illness. It is also an apology to everyone my actions hurt throughout the years. I have always been labeled as manipulative, attention seeking, psychopathic, and hysterical. Some of the closest people to me are terrified of me and of my overly angry reactions. I have lost so many people along the way. I admit, my actions have been all that, and I have always regretted them. I always felt overly emotional. I always reacted more intensely to emotional distress than anyone around me. Only recently, I figured the reason out. I lay these words before you and I hope that the people who were hurt by my actions read it. I hope that everyone reading this book learns to tolerate the people in their lives who suffer from this disorder. I know it is scary. I know it is terrifying to see that someone is calling you 15 times or that someone is threatening to kill themselves or that someone you care about is actually harming themselves, believe me, I know. I know it is extremely uncomfortable to see people shifting from one mood to the other or overreacting angrily to the slightest of situations. Try to understand, they are scared too; they are uncomfortable too. They are scared of losing you. They are scared of going back to their loop of endless emptiness and meaningless existence. They are and have been facing a storm of extremely intense emotions ever since childhood. The way you perceive feelings is much different from how they do. When you are scared, they are terrified, when you are sad; they are depressed, what you find as a nuisance haunts them at night. So, try to understand. Try to offer that little bit of reassurance. Try to keep in mind that however vile their actions may sound, deep inside they are still children afraid to lose the ones they care about.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: B08GRLGGSN
• ISBN13: 9798679550827
• Release Date: August 2020
• Publisher: Independently Published
• Length: 60 Pages
• Weight: 0.21 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.1" x 6.0" x 9.0"