How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind

by John Van Epp

Book Overview

AVOID THE JERKS AND FIND "THE ONE" WHO'S RIGHT FOR YOU

"An insightful and creative contribution to managing the complexity of choosing a life partner. I heartily recommend it."
--Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find

"Don't be part of the 'where-was-this-book-when-I-needed-it?' crowd. It's not too late--read it now "
--Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0071548424
• ISBN13: 9780071548427
• Release Date: March 2008
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill Companies
• Length: 336 Pages
• Weight: 0.97 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.9" x 5.9" x 8.8"

Customer Reviews

Great book

I am already married, but I bought this book as the required "textbook" for a class I am taking. Even though this book is written for people who are not yet married, I still found a lot of useful information in it that I can still apply in my marriage. One of the best things in the book is the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model). So, if you are not married and are tired of jerks, or even if you are married and just like reading about relationship improvement, this is a good book to read.

One of the best books on dating the right person

This is definitely one of the best books that I have read on dating the right person, and eliminating the wrong ones. Epp gives practical advice, don't get too heavily involved too soon, look at their relationship with their family, wait for patterns to emerge, and know what their values, norms, and standards; are just a few of the ideas from this book. While the title may suggest that sometimes we all make mistakes, this book is a much more serious look on how we behave in relationships, and the power we have to stay or walk away from any given relationship. Epp suggests that we don't get too involved too soon. He does this on a couple of different levels. Suggesting that 3 months is far too soon to make any serious kind of decision when it comes to where to go in a relationship meaning marriage, moving in together, or any other life changing decision. Within three months both parties are still on good behavior and not showing their true self. Within a year you will see patterns emerge, and by the end of two years the tone has been set for the relationship, and you will know how you two work together. Another aspect of the relationship and moving too fast was his breakdown of trust, intimacy, and commitment. He clearly states not too move to far into one of these three areas, and leave the other two behind. This creates a warped relationship, and this will leave to many problems. If relationships become too intimate too quickly this may leave one partner thinking they have a serious commitment of the other person, and they do not have a serious commitment at all. Another one of my favorite chapters of the book has to deal with how someone treats others; this could mean the waitress, their mother, their best friend. When you read advice sites everyone says this, but no one explains why this works. People tend to behave in certain patterns. Arguments, happy moments, we all tend to behave in certain ways. For example perhaps someone needs to sulk a bit before they will engage in an argument, or perhaps name calling is the norm for them. The person involved will have tough moments with you, and he will behave at his best and his worst with you. You need to be able to handle this person's worst moments. This information is in just a few of the book's chapters. As you can see the book is packed with advice that is practical. Many dating advice books are often a couple of trite sayings here and there, and thrown together in a book. John Van Epp far exceeds dating book expectations and gives a book that you can pick up and read many times, gaining a new perspective.

How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk

An excellent book for those dating or thinking about dating. Good practical information on what is important to know about a person you are dating or considering dating and how to conduct yourself so that your relationships can be as satisfying and safe as possible. I found the information to be so important that I purchased copies for my high school and college-aged grandchildren.

Great for those that have had a bad relationship or just looking for a relationship

This book has been so helpful to me and to many of my friends. I have given this book to several people as gifts and all have found pieces of gold that they have incorporated in their lives. Most have been able to evaluate the relationships that they are in and determine whether it is a good or bad situation for them. I also recommend it to the parents of my pediatric patients. I believe his theory about the relationship attachment is so appropriate. It is a theory that many of us were taught by our parents but did not realize they were teaching us. I would highly recommend this book to anyone in a relationship or wanting to have a relationship.

Excellent for self analysis and relationship analysis

[Update: As another reviewer has noted, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" and "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" are the same books with different titles.] Given that a choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important influences on a person's quality of life, you would think that people would want to know all there is to know about making that choice. So, what's wrong with just falling in love and getting married? According to Van Epp, people are at their best before they get married--and how happy you are when you are dating is the ceiling for how happy you can be in marriage. Don't expect it to get better. The relationships between each individual and their parents strongly influence a couple's relationship after the wedding. This new way of relating within the relationship kicks in after the marriage begins--when the role is no longer lovers and best friends, but husband and wife. So, you are marrying the person who relates to their parents in a certain way, and that way strongly influences the way that person will relate to you. Van Epp shows how one can explore this before marriage and possibly change the dynamic. Although the book is titled so that you would think that it is about not marrying a jerk, it is and it isn't. There is a part that says people have a code of what is right and wrong and an enforcer of that code within them. Some people may have an enforcer that is inactive or hardly involved. Some people may have a code that is unacceptable. Some people may have a great code of ethics and standard of behavior, but never make themselves follow it. I suspect that those who have a bad code of acceptable behavior or a bad enforcer of a good code would be considered jerks. This book great for substantive analysis of yourself and your relationship and addressing important things before marriage and going into marriage with reasonable expectations. Being in love doesn't change the fact that the families you and your partner are different and have different world views. The family of origin strongly affects us and our partner, and the expression of that comes out more clearly after you say "I do". If you come from a family that is frugal and I come from a family that spends money freely, our coming together may give each of us a different view of the other; you may think I am wasteful and I think you are stingy. Add some more family attitude differences that each of us has absorbed, and in marriage what happens if it is not addressed satisfactorily? What if in my family we were open and affectionate and in my partner's family people were closed and withdrawing? During courtship we will naturally both behave as we think healthy people should behave to continue to attract each other. Van Epp wants us to explore our own and our partner's family history because, as Van Epp suggests, your partner is the second edition of their parents. So that would make us the second edition of our parents as well. So this