Grand Tally
Grand Tally, a major U.S. map maker, is now run by MBAs and staff entirely by accountants. The senior accountants specify that the atlas is to have 120 pages, no more or less. But when the atlas returns from the printers, the staff discovers it has 122 pages. Two pages need to be cut, but which? The accountants are all hardline New Yorkers and know nothing about U.S. geography. Between them they decide to eliminate Montana because nobody lives there, nobody knows anything about it, and nobody gives a shit. Making matters worse, in a moment of panic the accountants decide to eliminate Montana from the continental map. Idaho, Wyoming and the Dakotas become grossly enlarged.
The omission unleashes a firestorm. When the Moosehead, Montana militia of discovers the their state is missing, they realize that Grand Tally got hold of the government's plans to eliminate Montana. They go on a rampage. A Christian cult, the REMOS, that speaks in tongues and handles lizards is headed west to meet the Rapture. When they discover that Montana is missing, their leader tells them that this is God's sign that the Rapture will happen in Montana. The FBI fears that the cultists are crazy and potentially murderous and assigns two bumbling FBI agents to follow them. The cult rents a house in the town of Moosehead and the FBI agents conceal themselves nearby in dugout.
In the meantime, the militia members break into the sheriff's office and free one of their jailed members. At the same time, a wife of a militia member becomes eligible an to enter an on-air New York TV contest. She tells the hosts she lives in Montana, but the Grand Tally map projected on the show does not have Montana. They tell her Montana does not exist and tell her to go soak her head and hang up on her. The woman and a friend fly to New York to confront the hosts on live TV. Once in the audience, they storm on stage and attack the hosts.
At the same time a Midwestern couple traveling to Moosehead has a car breakdown. One of the RERMOS gives them a lift to their new home. When the REMOS start speaking in tongues the woman faints and is carried inside the home. The FBI, thinking the couple is being kidnapped, rush from the hiding place. One of the FBI agents falls and shoots off his own toe.
The militia, meanwhile, have contrived to involve the sheriff and a deputy in a car crash and have manacled their hands and feet and left them on a country road. They are speeding to the REMOS' home to deal with the FBI agents when they critically injure themselves in their own multi-car pileup.
All of these events are being exaggerated and grossly misrepresented by the national media present at the REMO house. When a secret federal agency sets fire to downtown Moosehead, the Montana governor calls out the Montana National Guard, while the FBI has sent sharpshooters to join their two agents. The Guard and the agents surround the REMOS' s house, but the REMOS and the couple have already fled.
The general of the Montana National Guard and the agent in charge of the FBI force argue violently over control of the situation. Enraged, the general blows up an empty house where they think the cultists are hiding. In the end, the two fumbling FBI agents are awarded Medals of Freedom and a blowhard, incompetent journalist wins a Pulitzer. The "Rex and Sally Lou" shows wins a grammy for Best Reality TV Show. The innocent Christian cultists are imprisoned and all members of the militia are left with crippling injuries.
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