Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted

by Beverly Engel and Beverly Engel M.F.C.C.

Book Overview

Do you come away from contact with your parent with unbearable feelings of rage, low self-esteem and depression? Is your parent hypercritical, manipulative, and/or controlling? Do you feel unsafe when you are with your parent because of verbal abuse, negligence, or inappropriate behavior? No matter how much you do for your parent, is it never enough? No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens his or her well-being...

• Format: Hardcover
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0929923189
• ISBN13: 9780929923185
• Release Date: January 1990
• Publisher: McGraw-Hill/Contemporary
• Length: 194 Pages
• Weight: 1.00 lbs.

Customer Reviews

Wishing I'd Seen This Four Years Ago!

While I made the decision to cut off contact with my parents and brother four years ago, it is only recently I've begun to find books that broach this topic, and do so from a perspective that it is a healthy and sometimes necessary choice. I have been drinking in these resources as a way of validating the path I've taken and also partly to ensure I've taken the proper steps so that it is a path of healing and starting over. I recently finished Beverly Engel's Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted. At the time this book was published, the concept of divorcing (as in terminating a relationship with) one's parents was an extremely radical and unpopular one. Fifteen years later, it is a somewhat more acceptable idea than it used to be. But unfortunately many people in our society still believe choosing to limit or eliminate contact with toxic family members is taboo without wishing to understand why it is the best and sometimes only option. America is Mom and apple pie; to divorce Mom is to desecrate what is American in some people's eyes, even if it is done for one's survival. I unfortunately have dealt with people on all levels of acquaintance who've made it their business to let me know they disapproved of my choice when they learned about it. As well-meaning as some of these critics were, it was still hurtful to be invalidated that way and I always felt stuck, not knowing how to respond to that without getting defensive. That said I really do wish I'd found this book four years ago. Beverly Engel wrote Divorcing a Parent after having made the decision to divorce her own abusive mother a few years earlier, and counseling countless others who were struggling with this dilemma in their own lives. She took her personal experiences, anecdotes from various patients, and her expertise as a counselor, and rolled them into a very helpful guide towards making a rational decision about whether to divorce one's parents, and in some cases, entire families. At the same time Engel's book is intelligent, in that it does not hold bias towards what the decision should be for the individual. She respects that some people may want or even need a relationship to continue, and therefore she explores all the options, including limiting contact, emotionally separating oneself, and even attempting reconciliation if someone changes their mind down the road. Engel also states that it is possible to divorce one parent and maintain a relationship with the other if one so wishes. But Engel remains reverent of the fact that the choice must be the individual's alone above all. I also appreciated that Divorcing a Parent does NOT advocate remaining stuck in victim mode. In fact, Engel states that in choosing to alter or eliminate a relationship with one's parents, a person is also making a simultaneous commitment to grow up, shed the dysfunctional dependency on their parents, and not allow their past to determine who th

Help for the hardest decision you may ever have to make.

"Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned"....Titus 3:10-11. I have recommended this book several times in the course of my ministry work with adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. The decision to divorce a parent is never easy and is never made hastily. It is usually a matter of mental, emotional, and often physical survival after the adult child has spent many years trying every other alternative to make the relationship work. Painful though it is, there are birth-family relationships that are so destructive that the only thing you can do is get out. Only then can you begin your healing and recovery and eventually lead a peaceful and joyful life. This book presents practical and sympathetic advice from someone who has been down that road- the author herself, who besides being a therapist, found it necessary to divorce her own abusive mother. Besides its content, this book is interesting in a very unique way. After the author divorced her mother, she wrote this book. Her mother bought it and read it, apologized to the author and made an effort to change her destructive behavior, and they have now reconciled. The author then wrote a follow-up book called The Power of Apology. Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. She is the author of 14 books, and has been on Oprah, Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, and other national talk shows. She found it necessary to divorce her mother, not because of past childhood abuse, but because of the CONTINUAL ABUSE SHE SUFFERED AS AN ADULT. No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens her well-being, even if that relationship is with a parent. Divorcing A Parent explains the right and wrong reasons for divorce. Some of the right reasons are: to break the cycle of abuse, when it's either you or them, when your parent is hypercritical, controlling, or manipulative, and when your parent continues to abuse you or continues to deny the truth. We are taught how to confront our parent and what to expect, including our parent divorcing us when we stand up for ourselves. We learn that abusive people don't mellow with age, they usually just get worse. The book teaches you how to prepare for the divorce, how to separate emotionally, and takes you through the process of letting go, mourning the loss of your parent, and completing the grieving process. We learn how to deal with pressure and criticism from our siblings and other relatives who want us to continue accepting the abuse. There are also suggestions to the divorced parent, to mates, friends, and loved ones, and to therapists. I believe that Divorcing A Parent is a must-read for adult children who need to free themselves from an abusive relationsh

Healthy future for me now

Unbelievable!!! I have finally come to terms with the abuse and abandonment that my family has continued to show me for more than 15 years. I have completed the necessary steps indicated in the book and realize I am the only mentally healthy individual in my immediate family. Unfortunately, my sister is continuing the legacy that my Mother began with her daughter. It is absolutely sickening to witness. However, I was able to emotionally divorce myself from them just prior to them abandoning me for the last time. You see, their modus operandi WAS to cut me off for any decision I made in which they didn't approve. I emphasize "WAS" because I will no longer feel the pain of their disapproval. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I now know that I don't need to be punished for being the human being and individual that I am. Whether they like it or not. I can't recommend this book enough to those of you who are even contemplating this scenario. You must at least try to be at peace with who you are and that is... a wonderful human being.

A life line

This book is a life line for people who continue to be damaged by parental abuse as adults. It is one thing to forgive the distant past of our childhoods, but quite another to put up with abuse as an adult. God bless Beverly Engel for sharing her insights and encouragement. I wish she (or someone) would write another book for people who have NOT been abused explaining why it is inappropriate and sometimes cruel to pressure others, like coworkers or complete strangers, to express love and devotion to their parents no matter what. Would it really cost anyone anything to mind their own business or give another the benefit of the doubt about their most personal choices?

this book changed my life

when i was given this book by my therapist i was at a crossroads in my life that meant i was going to lose my life over some crazy people who gave birth to me and raised me or i had to fight for my life in order to raise my daughters without the same sickness i was raised with. this book gave me the courage to stand up for myself and make a break from the two people who were supposed to love me. i saw by what the author was saying that we are not all blessed with parents who have the best intentions. i was able to send them letters that broke any ties with them . it has been seven years since i have seen or spoken to them and i still battle old ghosts but i at least have the support of this book to remind myself i made the right decision by choosing my life over the people who will never change in order to have a fairly decent relationship with me.