But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in Abusive Relationships

By Joanna Hunter

A survivor of domestic violence offers women the tools needed to work through the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships - and to make positive changes in their lives.

He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.

In this compassionate book, Joanna V. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, and stick up for their own needs and plans for their safety. With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 159285818X
• ISBN13: 9781592858187
• Release Date: January 2010
• Publisher: Hazelden Publishing & Educational Services
• Length: 248 Pages
• Weight: 0.93 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 6.0" x 9.0"

Customer Reviews

Addressing the Core of the Issue

Without a doubt there are women staying in abusive relationships because they fear being stalked or even murdered. That reason has been drummed up so hard in the media we forget that nearly 25% of women will be in an abusive relationship at some point in her life, and for many of them, there are far more complex issues at play than fear of leaving. They are dealing with their own beliefs about the relationship -- being in love with him, not wanting to give up hope that he'll change, believing that she can change him, or change herself so he'll be kinder, or that it's just not that bad. Believing that she can't do any better anyway, that this is better than being alone. The kids need a father, she doesn't know how to live alone. And so on and so on. By enduring chronic psychological abuse (physical abuse's long term effects are the psychological ones, and some men know how to skip the beating and just use psychological battery) the woman's belief that she deserves a loving and cooperative relationship has replaced with thoughts like these. The author of this book is an abusive survivor herself, and remembers the pain of leaving, the loss of the relationship and hope, and the hard road of recovery after leaving, aksing questions like, "Why couldn't I have fixed him, fixed me, fixed the relationship? Why didn't he love me after all we went through?" Letting go of this mindset is very important -- otherwise returning to the same man, or another man just like him has a high risk of occurring. So in this book, page by page, it addresses these beliefs, these thoughts, these fears. And page by page, the book addresses them gently and with compassion, and asks the reader to question just how true (or untrue) they may be. Often times a woman just needs help in escaping safely. But sometimes those who help a woman escape are later dumbfounded to find she later returns to the man. Sometimes women in these relationships leave a dozen times before they finally stay way. A woman who stays in (or returns to) a relationship that is progressively getting more abusive is a woman convinced she does not deserve any better, does not deserve any help in getting out. Maybe an abusive childhood convinced her, or maybe it was the abuser himself. This book is a very compassionate love letter to those women, to convince them that they absolutely deserve better treatment, and love, in their life, and that it is time to go, or stay away, and seek whatever help necessary.

An exceptional read.

Wonderful description of a heatlhy relationship early on in this book. Nicely organized and a wake-up call for those who think name calling, emotional abuse, "a tap" are "no big deal". Give this to your friends, daughters, family members and help spread the word that calling abuse what it is early on may just save a life in these days when it seems women and children are being murdered almost daily !!!