Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair

by Dave Carder, Duncan Jaenicke, R. Duncan Jaenicke

Book Overview

A resource on marital infedlity for all involved, even onlookers

Written by respected pastor and marriage counselor Dave Carder, this revised and expanded version of Torn Asunder sorts through the factors that contribute to infidelity and then maps out a recovery process for both partners. With compassion and wisdom rooted in the Bible, Carder offers insight for the victims of adultery, the perpetrators, and those who seek to...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0802471358
• ISBN13: 9780802471352
• Release Date: October 2008
• Publisher: Moody Publishers
• Length: 320 Pages
• Weight: 0.89 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 6.1" x 8.9"

Customer Reviews

Practical, Clear, Useful Book , Solidly Evangelical

Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital AffairsWritten by Dave Carder (Moody Press, rev. 1995)Reviewed by Pastor Ed VasicekI first heard Dave Carder at the Moody Bible Institute's pastor's conference in 2000. After attending his workshop about counseling situations involving marital infidelity, I returned home and immediately ordered his book. I was not disappointed.Torn Asunder was written for those somehow connected to marital affairs, including prodigal spouses, their mates, pastors, counselors, or concerned friends. It is easy to understand, thoroughly evangelical in conviction, and based on the author's practical counseling experience and keen observation. It offers clear direction and principals upon which to build.The book is divided into three main sections. The first division, "Understanding Extramarital Affairs" contains five chapters which distinguish types of affairs, causes, and factors that contribute toward improper relationships. The second subdivision boasts six chapters and is titled, "Healing from Affairs." The last three chapters tie up a few miscellaneous loose ends and are sectioned off as , "Special Circumstances." The author writes clearly, simply, and informatively. He provides only a few necessary statistics (e.g., 50 to 65% of husbands and 45-55% of wives have had extra-marital affairs by the age of 40) as well as some surprising insights: "Young wives today are actually having affairs at a faster rate than same-aged men..."Some of Carder's material is questionable. For example, the author describes the types of personalities that are more affair-prone than others without backing up his claims through documented studies. Most of what he says in this volume, however, does ring true to reality.Carder offers a lot of meaty information. A few helpful statements include: "In sporadic, longer-lasting affairs, the spouse will need about two years to recover..." and, "The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused the spouse." He does not minimize the pain and anger involved in these traumatic situations.Carder views infidelity as not just indicative of a troubled individual, but rather indicative of a troubled marriage relationship involving both partners. He writes, "The goal for both to figure out is: what emotional and physical nurturance did the infidel receive from the affair that was unavailable in the marriage?"I recommend this book to those struggling with recovery from infidelity, pastors, counselors, people-helpers, or anyone interested in a Christian perspective as to the causes, prevention, and recovery of marital affairs. It is thorough, sensitive, clear, balanced, and faithful to the Scriptures.

Threre is light at the end of the tunnel!

Almost two years after discovering my husband's affair, I still find relief and encouragement in this book. It provided great insight in the immediate weeks after disclosure and has since served to remind me that I am not crazy to not be 100% over the devastation. Dave Carder makes some very difficult information easy to read and comprehend. This book was of geat help to both my husband and I, and I believe that it has given us a good foundation of knowledge on which to begin rebuilding our marriage!

Hard read, but worth the effort

I found this book a very hard read not because of its readability but because of its straight forward manner inwhich the author discusses this sensitive and common issue. It helped me gain a better perspective of not only my part in the formualtion of an affair but also a perspective from my wifes point of view. I highly recommend this book but only after the intial barrage of emotions have passed after discovering the affair.

Excellent book!!

This book is by far the best choice for a couple searching for hope in the midst of the storm. I have read it plus two others on rebuilding after an affair and this book is far and away the best, most complete of them all. It has honest, sincere advice on the best ways to weather this storm and come out with a magnificent marriage. I especially liked the fact that it has chapters addressing the process that both the wounded and unfaithful spouse are going through after discovery of an affair. My husband didn't particularly like being referred to as the "infidel", but the content of the book is so good that he managed to get past that. In the darkest days after the discovery of an extramarital affair, this book can provide insight, compassion, and most of all, hope for the future.

Married (or equivalent), or used to be? Read this book!!!!!

Extra-marital affairs! - Whether you're having one, thinking of having one, married to someone who has had or is having one, a child of someone who had one, or a friend of someone trying to cope with one, or just trying to ensure your own marriage is safe from one, READ THIS BOOK! The book covers the three types of affair: one-night stand, entangled affair, sexual addiction. It will help you understand why it occurred, why you feel as you do about it, and what you can do. The phases of the affair, and of the innocent spouse's response, are explained, as also are ways of rebuilding trust, understanding forgiveness, and restructuring intimacy. Secret affairs - those not yet revealed to the innocent spouse - are also discussed. It's a Christian book, but not the "Come to Jesus and all will be well!" variety, so don't be put off. The author is an experienced psychologist as well as Christian minister - don't let THAT put you off either! It's not a substitute for "proper" counselling or therapy, but it offers a starting point especially where counselling is not available or where the pain and shame feel too great. It doesn't matter whether the affair leads to divorce or to "forgive and forget". Those affected still need to work through it and understand what happened, because otherwise the marriage cannot be strong, or the divorcees' future lives will be damaged, or the children will be affected in their own relationships and marriages. Those directly involved may find it hard to read this book, but if they do so they will find themselves reflected in it. Their friends will find it a lifeline, as they offer support. The book has one flaw: NO INDEX!!! - so you end up reading it three times while looking for the good bits you remember seeing somewhere in it. But the table of contents is quite full, which helps fill the gap. Okay, so this book is not "The First Wives Club", but it's still worth reading. There is hope. Get it now, BEFORE you need it