The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development

by Richard Weissbourd

Book Overview

A wake-up call for a national crisis in parenting--and a deeply helpful book for those who want to see their own behaviors as parents with the greatest possible clarity.

Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd argues incisively that parents--not peers, not television--are the primary shapers of their children's moral lives. And yet, it is parents' lack of self-awareness and confused priorities that are dangerously undermining...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0547248032
• ISBN13: 9780547248035
• Release Date: September 2010
• Publisher: HarperOne
• Length: 256 Pages
• Weight: 0.50 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.6" x 4.9" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

A wonderful, meddling book

Think Britney Spears, peer pressure, and Twitter are making modern kids sullen, detached, and generally rotten? Think again. Richard Weissbourd's book about modern parenting trends places the responsibility for kids' moral well-being squarely where it belongs -- on the parents. In his book, The Parents We Mean To Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children's Moral and Emotional Development, the lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education talks about popular parenting techniques such as being "positive parents," focusing on self-esteem, and praising our kids excessively. And the shock is? He's against these things. Weissbourd's countercultural parenting advice suggests that parents' intense focus on their children's happiness actually makes kids less happy, that excessive praise stunts character development, and that "over-parenting" can turn children into "fragile conformists. Additionally, he challenges the "self-esteem" craze -- the belief that if parents bolster their kids' sense of self, they'll invariably turn out to be good people. This is the first time in history that people have succumbed to this backwards idea about morality and explains that bullies, delinquents, and gang leaders often have the highest self-esteem. I was fully prepared to read his book to figure out why other people's kids were throwing popcorn in the movie theater, but every chapter challenged my own parenting. It's a meddlesome book, in other words. One you should definitely pick up.

well-intentioned parents can still fail

I caught Weissbourd's NPR interview with Terry Gross and was intrigued enough to get the book. Although Weissbourd hooked me with his sage advice to parents, he gave me an unexpected insight into my own childhood. He says, "It's less the severity or duration of parents' destructive moods than how children understand them" that is the problem. Among the destructive moods discussed is depression, and he tells Matt's story: "I used to think my mother just hated being my mother, that she wanted to be doing something else. Now I'm looking back over all those years and seeing them differently and I'm feeling a lot better. I'm seeing that all that anger was coming from something inside of her head. She was depressed. It was about HER. It didn't have anything to do with me." As can be typical of hurting children, both Matt and I told stories that reflected poorly on ourselves and reflected even more poorly on the truth. Get the book for more than a mini psychoanalysis, however. Weissbourd knows how to turn a phrase. Here are a couple: ...the million paper cuts an adolescent can inflict...and wading into the muck of ourselves. He's got his finger on a contemporary problem. Parents are trying too hard to be their kids' friends and don't think often enough of how they can influence their kids to be moral human beings. They may be morally underdeveloped themselves. Parents can emphasize their kids' happiness and self esteem over against their kids' ability to empathize with others and contribute within the greater community. Parents can pile on the pressure by giving global praise (you're terrific, that's great, etc). But who better than a kid can spot hypocrisy in a parent? (No, I'm not putting any pressure on you to go to Yale, but here's the tutor's phone number and I expect you to meet with her every day this week.) Have you run into this term yet? dimpie (doting indulgent modern parents) Or this? Krispie or teacup: fragile dependent student who unravels away from home. Get the book. It's highly readable and insightful.

compelling read

In this inspiring, compelling book, Richard Weissbourd provides deep insights into the ongoing work of promoting moral and happy children. There are a lot of parenting books that give parents strategies and tips, but this book does something far more in the end. With great empathy, Weissbourd asks us to troll in the waters of ourselves, helping us understand both how we can regress and grow as moral mentors for our children. He also provides concrete information about how we can handle our kids' achievements in constructive ways, promote their happiness, and be effective in our interactions with their teachers and sports coaches. Five stars for The Parents We Mean to Be.

great book

Richard Weissbourd's new book continues the challenging and incisive inquiry into child development he began in his first book, The Vulnerable Child. Thoughtfully and persuasively, he sheds a prismatic look into the ways parents and other adults can facilitate the development of a moral curiosity and integrity in children and adolescents. His view is far ranging and at the same time close to the bone. With a keen and fresh observational eye buttressed by elegant and discerning prose, Weissbourd pulls the reader into the compelling story of how children construct a moral compass through their everyday interactions with the adults in their lives. And in doing so, he reminds us that we all have a major stake in the outcome. This is a wonderful book, and would be well suited to both an academic and general audience.

The Best Book On Parenting In Years....

This book is a wise and compassionate guide to raising moral, happy, and competent children. No parent should be without it. In a calm, reassuring manner, Weissbourd, an experienced psychologist, shows us all how to love our children effectively and well, even if that means, at times, holding back. As a parent of two, a lifetime educator, and a former administrator at a demanding independent school (one of the several kinds of schools where Weissbourd did his research), I recommend this book most enthusiastically. It will give you valuable insights into both yourself and your children. It will help you make growing up together the rich, rewarding experience it should and can be. --Eugene Pool