Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

As a colleague of Michael Thompson, co-author with Dan Kindlon of the forthcoming book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, I had the chance to read a pre-publication copy of the manuscript, and I recommend it highly. The book is well-written, engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It is unusual for two pyschologists to write so well for the general public, without talking down to them and without being too academic. Raising Cain reviews the latest research about boys, gives rich and poignant anecdotes, offers a profound understanding of the depth of situation for boys in our society, and makes helpful suggestions for parents and teachers. Raising Cain covers a wide range of topics, from boys' emotional lives (the way they are untrained in reading and expressing emotions) to their early school years (which the authors refer to as "thorns among roses," referring to the way boys often fail to fit in or thrive in early elementary school) to the role of mothers (who try hard to stay connected to their sons in the face of overwhelming pressures on boys to separate) and the role of fathers (too often absent, at least emotionally, from the lives of sons). Another chapter discusses the fact that boys are more likely to be subjected to harsh discipline, and offers a variety of alternatives. There are also chapters on boys and romance, alcohol and drug use, depression and withdrawal. My favorite chapter, and the one that distinguishes this book from other recent books about boys, is on 'the culture of cruelty,' about what boys do to each other, espcially in early adolescence. Despite many efforts by paretns and educators, boys attack each other physically and emotionally, enforcing narrow definitions of masculinity and sexuality, leaving many boys scarred guarded, and lonely. The unique perspective of Raising Cain is that boys, for many reasons, impose these conditions on each other--it doesn't all come from the media or the broader culture. Several recent books have covered roughly similar territory, with a shared concern for the welfare of boys. Unlike Michael Gurian's book, Raising Cain rejects the idea that the 'boy-brain' is somehow ill-equipped to handle emotions. Though boys' biology does play a role, its contribution to boys clipped, withdrawn style is small compared to the role of socialization--boys are systematically pressured to shut down and shut others out. Unlike William Pollack's book, Raising Cain does not argue that mothers abandon their sons prematurely--rather, Kindlon and Thompson argue that the culture drives them apart, while most mothers strive mightily to stay connected, and keep trying even when they are confused and bewildered. Meanwhile, they describe boys having a 'hole in their soul' from their lack of a close emotional connection with men, starting with their fathers. I understand that Raising Cain will be available in early April--it is worth the wait.

A few months ago, I read Reviving Ophelia on the recommendation of my wife (a psychologist) and a friend (a social worker). I was frankly stunned at the insight I gained in reading it. I immediately ordered a copy of my own, and in the process discovered Raising Cain. And just like Reviving Ophelia, I read it completely through. As a man, with strong memories of my adolescence, the book resonates with me. The stories it presents of the adolescent indoctrination into male culture (the "Big Impossible" as it's referred to throughout the book) ring true in a personal way. I "knew" many of the boys that they're referring to and who tell their stories. These were my associates, my classmates, my friends. And the more I read, the more I recalled of that period. Kindlon and Thompson present their story in the same basic structure as Pipher in Reviving Ophelia; as a series of topics that can greatly influence a young man, using vignettes of particular children and their stories to develop understanding and insight. And again, these are powerful vehicles for communication; presenting stories of strength and power in the face of unbelievable adversity. Just as powerful, is the understanding it brings as to how and why a child who's been continually disenfranchised can lash out against others (I find I'm in particular agreement with the authors after having been on the minority end of discussions about school killings such as Colombine). The most important contribution of this book; however, is to those who don't (and can't) understand what male culture can do to shape a child. I'm continually at the receiving end (and mostly the participating end) of jokes about the inability of a man to express a real emotion or feeling. While most of it is joking, it's clear that for two close female friends (one an only child and one with the closest siblings 15 years their senior) and my spouse (with three brothers, the youngest 16 years older than she) there really isn't any understanding of what it's like growing up to be indoctrinated as a man. Hopefully this book can provide some measure of understanding to those who haven't experienced this first-hand. And what of those of us who have experienced it? Hopefully this book provides both some reminder of what it was like growing up in that environment as well as providing some hope that it's possible to grow beyond the expectations of that environment. For while strength is important, it must be tempered with compassion. And it's up to us to make sure it happens.

After reading this book, I came to the conclusion that every hospital in the country ought to have a supply on hand to give out to new parents/caregivers upon the birth of a son, much like car dealers give you an owner's manual when you buy a car.

Continuing on with the metaphor, after reading this book, I came to the conclusion that we know more about cars than we do about children! This book should be read by...

*Anyone who has a son, regardless of whether your relationship with him is good or bad. This book will help you understand the dynamics of father/son, and mother/son relationships; insight that will be vital during the turbulent adolescent years.

*Teachers, and administrators. Our educational system is so female dominated, that many of the well-intentioned ladies who come in contact with boys on a daily basis, have no clue what they are all about, and consequently, you see a disproportionate number of boys who are identified as having learning disabilities, get suspended, and/or otherwise in trouble at school.

*Every father, since fathers typically and traditionally, yet tragically, leave all "emotional issues" for mom to address. No more slacking dads! It is time to start pulling your weight!!

My heart ached after reading this book. It ached because with a little understanding, we would not see so many boys messed up. The authors of this book have made a wonderful contribution to the literature on child development and child rearing. Kindlon and Thompson make a compelling case that if we do not start doing better as parents, teachers, coaches, etc. etc. in helping our boys attain emotional literacy, the price in human terms will be incalculable.

I can honestly say that after reading this book, I will never be able to look at boys the same way again. A truly outstanding book.

As the mother of a twelve, soon to be thirteen- year-old boy, I've been pleased that publishers have finally taken an interest in boys. Figuring I need all the help I can get as my son enters adolescence, I read every new book as soon as it comes out. I've found merit in recent books by Michael Gurrian and William Pollack, but Raising Cain, is, hands down, the best of the bunch. It has touched me and changed the way I understand my son.

Pollack, an expert on men, bases Real Boys on a small study he did of boys--or so we gather from his introduction. His approach is psychoanalytical, and can be interesting. But frankly, Real Boys did not sustain my interest; I put it down about half way through and didn't pick it up. Many of Pollack's ideas don't quite ring true for me. Raising Cain, on the other hand, hits the bulls eye, again and again. The revelatory chapter on social cruelty, written long before events in Littleton, is alone worth the price of the book. I scarcely knew a "culture of cruelty" among boys existed, let alone how horrific it can be--until my son changed schools and experienced it first hand.

Finally, Raising Cain confirmed for me what I believe as a mother--that the loving, caring, sensitive, affectionate part of boys is something to preserve. When my son was born, I knew I could never try to "toughen him up". I would show him plenty of affection, allow him to cry, encourage him to express his feelings. So many men I knew became fathers and couldn't give their sons the love they never got from their own fathers. For me, showing love and affection is like putting money in the bank--it will be there to draw on when he needs it. Raising Cain shows me that this is the right thing to do.

Compare what Kindlon and Thompson say about mothers and sons to the psychobabble in Real Boys. Pollack seems so old school when he says that all a boy's problems begin at the "separation stage", when his mother "pushes him away" to start him on the path to manhood. This wasn't true for me--nor is it true for any other mother of my generation I know. Push our sons away!?! No way! We love and care about our sons, and want to stay connected to them. Raising Cain has an emotional truthfulness the other books just don't have. The world would be a better place if all parents and educators read it. It's transformative.

While I think men and the parents of daughters would also benefit from reading this book, I want to emphasize that as a woman and the parent of sons this book has become an invaluable resource for me. The authors made many important points about the male experience that were new to me, or vague, and also gave practical ideas and examples for achieving goals or avoiding conceptual traps.

Kindlon and Thompson begin with the story of Cain, which is immediately disorienting. In a good way. I've always been puzzled about why God was so mad? I believe the fruit Cain offered was beautiful, so why was it of lesser value? I never thought God was fair to Cain, though admittedly Cain did react badly. So immediately you're in the state of mind to question perceptions about males as well as male perception (and reaction).

I didn't find any intellectual oneupsmanship over which gender's got it worse. Instead, I saw: Boys are different, and here's what some of the differences are and why that's so, and how you can deal with that. I feel much better prepared for the many talks I hope I'll have with my children over the years. Important talks that I want to be transformative rather than reactionary or alienating.

This isn't just a book for the parents of adolescent boys, either. The authors make the point many times that giving boys an emotional education is imperative -- teaching them to recognize various emotions as physical cues and with emotional consequences. More importantly, the authors then cite cases from their clinical backgrounds and make down-to-earth suggestions about what to do to catch these problems and help our children. Young boys will benefit from your early introduction of these principles, including: giving a boy an emotional education and letting him have an inner life; recognizing that boys have a higher activity level (amen!) -- and accepting it; communicating with boys in a direct and respectful way, and enlisting them as problem solvers; using discipline that is instructive and fair rather than harsh and crushing; teaching a boy that there are many ways to be a man.

This is a plausible theory informed by clinical experience, but most of all it is a catalog of simple actions that may make a huge difference in your sons' lives. Andrew Vachss' Another Chance to Get It Right, says these things so eloquently. Every day the collective experience of the world is the sum of the choices each of us makes individually. We decide whether to be lazy parents and raise mediocre adults, or do we try to make a golden age, populated by mature, happy adults who have the knowledge and the will to make the world a better place in their turn? Every day you decide whether to spank or to reason, to pressure or to embrace, to train or to teach, to saddle them with our baggage or let them be. Let Vachss' book motivate you and this book instruct you. You and your children will be the better for it.

Well-written, insightful, transformative.