The Loss That Is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father

by Maxine Harris

Book Overview

"Beautifully written and informative. Harris' eloquence is exceeded only by the compassion and insight she brings to this perplexing and formative experience."--Vamik D. Volkan, Univ. of Virginia.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0452272688
• ISBN13: 9780452272682
• Release Date: September 1996
• Publisher: Plume Books
• Length: 368 Pages
• Weight: 0.70 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.9" x 5.4" x 8.1"

Customer Reviews

One of the best books on the topic

I lost both parents to cancer - my mother when I was nine and my father just 2 years later.I can tell you first hand that this book is an accurate reflection of what that experience was like for me.It is not an academic book with theories and speculations by those who have not been there - rather, it is a book of interviews of adults describing their experiences as a child. Because of this, the feeling is undeniably authentic.It will help spouses and others in relationships with orphans. A must read!

A Companion for Adult "Children"

I was looking through books on death and dying, when I saw this book. I ignored it, but kept feeling drawn to it. The title seemed a bit extreme, yet I kept wanting to pick it up. When I started reading, I realized that one of the people it was about was me.If you have lost a parent as a child, please read this book. It is not a self-help book - but it leads to healing by acknowledging that the loss of a parent is a major event in the life of a child, changing that child's view of the world and affecting his or her life into adulthood. Like attending a 12 step program, and feeling instantly at home, this book opens doors to a community of like-minded souls.Our culture used to minimize the effects the death of a parent has on a child. While adults grieved in their own healthy or unhealthy ways, children were often ignored, sent off to relatives, cut off from one-side of the family and often introduced to a new, substitute parent and expected to never talk about the parent they lost. My own father died a sudden, fairly publicized death when I was 17 and my sister was 11. I've been painfully aware that there was one life before he died, and another one after, as clean a break as you could make cutting a thick rope with a sharp knife. But no one else - aside from therapists - seemed willing to talk about it. With children, it is important that the grieving process not be ignored or minimized, for how they process their grief will have a lasting effect on how they live their own lives. While reading the stories in this book, I felt deeply saddened and warmly comforted. The book validated what I have known to the core of my heart for a long time. The death of a parent makes a hole that lasts forever.Now, that hole isn't dark and deep forever. It isn't a huge pit you fall into and can't get out of, though at times it might feel like that. Instead, it is a loss, or an absence, that is always there, sometimes small, sometimes large. It can be healed, to varying degrees. But it is there, and it will not go away. Ignoring it only seems to enlarge it.Harris' book offers the comfort of knowing that the reactions we had to our parent's death -- and still have, as we procede through life without that parent -- are not abnormal. I realized that many of the things I did that weren't so good for my life were 'normal' reactions (and thank goodness I've learned from them all). Better yet, some of the things I've done that have seemed a little odd to others are actually healthy and quite common. For example, in my personal pages I have a web page for my father -not a grieving memorial, but a place filled with photos and memories to share with my own children, who never met him, and with other family members. In the chapter entitled "Staying in Touch," Harris tells how some of us talk with our parent, years after they've died. Other cultures have rituals to remember a lost parent. It isn't morbid -- it is a way to gri

Read this if you lost a parent at an early age.

There is no word describing people who lost a parent at an early age -- but this book makes clear that such a loss is truly forever. This will be reassuring for some. The authro describes the multiple impacts of such a loss. In general, because a child is totally unprepared for the death of a parent, and the parent represents the whole world to the child, this loss is far more grievous than losing a parent when one is an adult. Indeed, it can be compared to the loss of an entire family or community that is only suffered by persons who are victims of genocide or war. Yet others, who do not know of this type of loss, will never understand its magnitude. The message of the book is that one can be orphaned even if just oneparent dies, because frequently the other will be devastated, or will move away.

This book was very therapeutic

I lost my father in a car accident in 1981 when I was only 13 years old. He passed instantly at the scene in a very catastrophic auto/commercial truck pile up. This book helped me understand that the emotional roller coaster that I had been on for years was totally normal. My parents had me late in life when they were 42 and 43. I was extremely close to my father and in fact I completely worshiped him. I grew up in a family that did not grieve heathily and it was difficult for me that at one moment we all (there were 4 siblings) had a wonderful father that we were all blessed to have had and the next moment he just wasn't talked about. It was like our whole family went into a shock and denial of the accident and of our loss. We still in 1998 don't talk about it much and I still miss him terribly. I have many fond memories as a child of vacations and trips that I took with my father that I will cherish forever. Thanks Maxine for such beautiful insight. I can not tell you what it has meant to me.You, in fact have inspired me to write a book about my loss. I still think about it everyday. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about the fact that I would give up everything I have, everything I am, everything I have accomplished to have him back in my life again.

This Book Makes An Impact...

I lost my father 14 years ago, when I was only 15 years of age. Over the years the pain has lessened, but has never disappeared. I find myself struggling many days to fathom how I've made it this far into adulthood without my father. This book puts so many of those feelings into perspective. I found myself relating to so many of the accounts from others who have experienced loss similar to my own. The book was comforting, but at the same time very emotionally jolting. I would recommend this book to anyone, and have even ordered extra copies since my purchase to send to friends who have lost a parent as well