The 9 Types of Lovers: Why We Love the People We Do and How They Make Us Crazy

by Daphne Rose Kingma

Book Overview

Daphne Rose Kingma, a therapist for over 25 years, says that all women and men fall into one of nine personality types. This book shows how to identify each type and what qualities in each personlaity... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 1573241601
• ISBN13: 9781573241601
• Release Date: August 1999
• Publisher: Conari Press
• Length: 200 Pages
• Weight: 0.75 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.7" x 5.2" x 7.7"

Customer Reviews

A worthwhile book

Any book with a number on the title usually connotes to me a book with a catchy marketing hook but little content. This one does have the catchy marketing hook, but the content is spot on. I found a great description of myself and my wife. I was able to classify many others as well. I don't think this book should be confined to examining lovers, but applied rather to all people who we meet and seek to understand. There are other books and systems that classify according to personality, but this one is different, as the author knows not just externalities, i.e. is he pushy, is she maudlin. The author, being a counselor, knows what deep down is actually driving these personality types. I prefer her system to Meyers-Briggs and the others. It seems to me that all people have one real story in life, a central theme, and different manifestations keep playing variations on this central theme. The way we interact with others, with crowds, and especially lovers is based upon the central theme of our lives, which, of course, is from the first 5 or 6 years of our life. So, if you are a pushy control type personality, there is a reason for this. She explains it. She also explains what these different personality types really crave. It is useful to us, so we can really know how to give others in our lives what they need. The book is great. It is a quick read, you won't probably read it in order, rather, you might read it in order of the personality types that intrigue you. I found the book to be a great addition to my library, and I have already recommended it to others.

A Different Look at Our "Love Personalities"

This book was an "accidental," but certainly worthwhile, addition to my library. I say "accidental" because I saw "9 types of lovers" and jumped to the incorrect conclusion that this was an enneagram book. Whereas this certainly IS a personality type book, it has nothing to do with the enneagram.Daphne Rose Kingma is a practicing psychoanalyst and also a prolific writer who specializes in love and relationships. This book draws on her 25+ years of experience in counseling couples and individuals, during which time she has concluded that people tend to fit into nine basic "love types," each with their own characteristics and idiosyncracies.The majority of the book is dedicated to Kingma's detailed descriptions of each of the nine types of lovers. Each chapter starts with a section on how to identify a type; then covers the various "attraction" and "detraction" characteristics of that type. Next, we're offered a fairly thorough psychological explanation for how a person's history makes them fit into their type, identifying the specific "emotional wound" that affects their behavior pattern. I found these to be the most insightful and poignant parts of the book, with some very "on the money" ideas. Finally, each chapter has a section directed to the person actually of that type, with suggestions on how to better understand and manage their relationships.The book is fun and easy to read, and mostly works as a tool to identify and understand each of the nine types. It does outline some very basic truths about How We Are, and I agree with the previous reviewer that it would be a good resource for someone stuck in a pattern of choosing the same kind of (unsuccessful) relationship, over and over. On the downside, I feel that very little time is given to the more practical aspects of how each type interacts with other types, "good" vs. "bad" combinations, the realities of finding the right type for you, and so on. And although Kingma uses a fairly upbeat tone, I did come away with the feeling that the popular psycho-buzz phrase "everyone is damaged" must *really* be true-- at least based on this book.Final thoughts: Recommended, although not brilliant (7.5 bookmarks out of a possible 10). Does a nice job of teaching us about the different types, but is a little thin on how to APPLY that knowledge. As with most books of this genre, I'll also add the usual caveat that we shouldn't put TOO much emphasis on trying to "shoehorn" ourselves into specific "type" descriptions-- we ARE, after all, individuals.

Some good insights that go nowhere.

I don't normally like books like this because I don't believe that you can truly seperate people into categories. Only 9 types for all the plethora of diversity in the world? And yet, when I picked up this book I could put it down. The author has captured some basic truths about people in America, how we act and why. If you're the type of person that seems to attract the same kind of mate over and over, this book will probably attract your interest. Each lover type has its own chapter with standardized sections, so that no matter what type of lover you have or want, you can find out the information you need. The author gives us tell-tale signs for each type and yet provides us pretty convincing ways in which each type is different than everyone else (in case you aren't sure). There is a section on why we are attracted to that type, and why they drive us crazy, what's really going on psychologically, with a special emotional wound identified for each person. What we can learn from each type and what they need to improve on in themselves. Basically, all the secret questions we've ever asked ourselves about past lovers and maybe even family and friends are answered here.I do have a few complaints, though. The catch phrase on the back of the book, "How to find the perfect lover... and keep them!", isn't sufficiently addressed (after reading the book, you won't think there is a "perfect" type out there). Only a small chapter discusses how different types deal with each other, and we don't learn the specific mechanics of how people attract the same type over and over, or how to break that cycle. Also, the book doesn't discuss how people tend to flex between types, and often act as a certain type with friends and are a different type with a lover. Finally, even though the author tries to write this book from an asexual point of view, as a man I found it to be specifically written for women. Nothing wrong with that, except that it reduced the book's effectiveness for me.