I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to Your Parents, Partner, Sibs, and Kids When You're All Adults

by Deborah Tannen

Book Overview

Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of You Just Don't Understand and many... This description may be from another edition of this product.

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0345407520
• ISBN13: 9780345407528
• Release Date: May 2002
• Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
• Length: 368 Pages
• Weight: 1.20 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.0" x 5.5" x 8.5"

Customer Reviews

You Need to read this Book!

Everyone with a family should read this book. It has excellent examples and you will recognize the conversations and situations because you have heard or participated in very similar communication fiascoes.

Interesting

I found this book to be helpful in understanding some of the language that goes on between my family, to know we are not the only ones out there with problems in relating to each other.

Insightful reference on the levels of how we communicate

Exceptional reference for the verbal and the non verbal communicator. Best analogy "Do you hear what I mean?" As a wife of a non verbal communicator and a mother of three one who masters the english language and has strong communication skills to the youngest who struggle with basic communication, I have personally found this title to be instrumental in navigating through our own family and our verbal form of expression. When exposed to those that struggle with the command of the english language I have had to learn new ways to communicate. This tile is completely on target and goes to posture, stance, tone and so much more.How our presentation can make a positive or negative impact on the receiver. Often our intent of caring is misunderstood due to our presentation and/or the preconceived disposition of our intended audience. After reading I was able to grasp the fact that sometimes no matter what was said it was improperly "processed." Truly it is the processing that counts most. Understanding that not everyone processes the same information in the same fashion can be eye opening and yet become an obvious reality.The author drives home that we need to educate and understand and to be educated and understanding with our communication skills.

If A "Pre-Marriage" Class existed, this would be required!

I wish everyone had a chance to read this book before getting married or involved in a relationship of any kind with another person. It is the one book that really provides useful and thought-provoking information on how to talk to the people we love, instead of the often harmful ways we do talk to them. Tannen shows that it is posisble to change destructive communication into constructive, even helpful, communication. Well worth every penny you spend on this one!

Improving the Ways You Listen and Speak in Your Family!

This book deserves more than five stars for its original, powerful ideas and suggestions for how to have closer, happier relationships in your family. This book is Relationship Rescue for the family! "Why does talk in the family so frequently go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots?" "When we talk to family members, we search for signs of love but become attuned to signs of disapproval." Our reaction is to "the meaning of the words spoken -- the message -- but also to what we think those words say about the relationship -- the metamessage." So each message needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality). In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime. Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline. The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent"). All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior. After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same t