How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women

by Terrence Real

Book Overview

"What happened to the passion we started with?
Why aren't we as close as we used to be?"

PROBLEM: If you are a woman who is unfulfilled in your marriage...if you feel unheard or overburdened...if you quietly live in a state of slow-burn resentment...
PROBLEM: If you are a man unhappy that your partner seems so unhappy with you...if you feel bewildered, unappreciated, or betrayed...

This book offers...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0684868784
• ISBN13: 9780684868783
• Release Date: December 2002
• Publisher: Scribner Book Company
• Length: 304 Pages
• Weight: 0.47 lbs.
• Dimensions: 0.8" x 5.5" x 8.4"

Customer Reviews

Dont read the book without a highlighter ....

because, Im telling you... you will be sorry like I am now, going through the book the second time with a yellow highlighter (use the color of your choice,blue, pink whatever) On the other hand if you read Real's other book "I Dont want to Talk about It" first (but I'm not talking about it now) and then read this book you will receive an education of a lifetime, especially if your married and would like to stay that way. The part about greiving for what you dont have in your marriage was especially critical to me, but there is SO much! I'm astounded that there are so few reviews here... I can really relate to the parts about Reals own marriage too. Excellent..10 stars!

Real reads like a great novel - you can't put it down.

Where was this book when I was in marriage counseling in the 70's? My husband and I were drinking and never, not once, did our therapist ask us if we had any addictions. Take away the alcohol and you're left with the depressed couple who have no clue how to talk to each other, let alone repair any day-to-day damage they have inflicted on their relationship. I found myself highlighting page after page saying to myself "Oh my God, this is me and my partner. Now I get it." This book is to be read slowly and carefully so you can understand, for the first time in your life, what is going on. Don't get married without it.

This is work that we all need to do

After 30 years as a licensed Marriage and Family counselor, I nowmake it a point to recommend _How Can I Get Through to You?(Reconnecting Men and Women)_ to every couple in my practice. Asa man, husband (32 years) and father (of a son and daughter), Icredit this book with changing my life. Although I have seen these issues play out over three decades ofleading partners through couples therapy, the wisdom and insightsthat I've gleaned from this book have offered me a newperspective from which to help couples help themselves. Terrence Real speaks of the breakdown of couple relationships asa mirror of societal gender conflict. We (patriarchal culture)socialize boys to be competitive and girls to be compliant. Whenmen and women become joined in marriage, it is a union of twodifferent species. However Real moves beyond merely describingthe differences between men and women by recommending a radicalcourse of bringing the genders back into balance - and wholeness.He refers to this as 1) empowering the woman and 2) reconnectingthe man. This core concept really speaks to me for I find thatthe majority of the couples in my practice are living examples ofthe corrupted communication patterns that Real describes throughhis model and illustrates so well in case studies. The greatest insight that I received from this material is anunderstanding of the profound impact of the early disconnectionof men. As Real explains, both girls and boys are severelywounded during the socialization process - but the damage toboys is more significant because their disconnect (fromrelationship, from their feelings and from all that is considered"feminine") occurs at such an early (between 3 and 5 years) age.I and all men walk around this planet with covert depressionbecause of the parts of us that got lost. In my work with couples, I emphasize the skills of healthyrelating with the insights presented in this book as background. I now have a deeper understanding of where each party is coming from and I can better see their gifts, honor their wounds and hold a vision of what may be possible for them. In this way, I seek to empower the couple - by being the orchestrator who holds the sacred space for a more fulfilling relationship.One of Real's most powerful contributions is his notion of thefive key Relational Skills. As I have seen in my practice, theseskills can be taught to and internalized by both parties in arelationship." I've seen evidenced, internalized by both parties.When a couple has the core skills and an intention to replace the"control, revenge, resignation syndrome" with "harmony,disharmony, repair", the future is much, much brighter. This is work we all need to do.

Where did the love go????

This book is not to be missed. It is a breakthrough, not the usual pablum, self-help, instant fix.I thought loneliness between partners was inevitable after a few years of marriage and I should just get over the loss.I have changed my mind after reading this book. Being in relationship, deeply connecting through the years is absolutely possible. I believe in my bones that this book offers deep and true insights. It is groundbreaking. It describes the subtle detail of what men do, don't do and need to do, what women do, don't do and need to do, what is poison, and what works. It is clear and straight; it pulls no punches. The case studies are so real - often heartbreaking. Without a doubt Terry Real has been to hell and back with his clients. He knows how to break through our cultural myths, common assumptions, and deep fears. Don't miss this book if you are in a relationship or coach people in relationships and if you want to understand and heal the male/female chasm. This book teaches the finest points about love.

THIS BOOK MAY HAVE SAVED MY MARRIAGE!!

I have read everything out there to try and salvage an eighteen year relationship. I saw myself and my husband on every page of this book. It was amazing. For the first time I understood what was going on and why it has been so hard to talk to each other. I gave this book to my husband and insisted that we read it together and we actually talked about it. This is the smartest book on couples I have ever read. It explains why so many men and women have so much trouble. It's full of ideas about how to make it better. The stories made me laugh and sometimes even cry, like a good novel. I loved every minute of it. And it's just brimming over with casual comments that are so profound. Like this - "The great paradox of intimacy is that in order to sustain closeness we have to be capable of bearing solitude inside the relationship." Or what Terry calls, "normal marital hatred." There are a million of these. I honestly can say I'd like to see everyone who wants their relationship to work to read this. It should be passed out along with marriage licenses. It is far and away the best thing I have ever found. Thank you!