Facing the Shadow [3rd Edition]: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery

by Patrick J. Carnes

Book Overview

For all addicts, a moment comes when they realize they have a problem. There is sudden clarity--the insight that life has become unmanageable. That moment, however, is fragile. It is easily lost to craving and denial. People struggling with sex addiction find the old refrains creeping back into their thinking: My situation is different. . . . This will all blow over. . . . People are over-reacting to my behavior. Or, This is hopeless...

• Format: Paperback
• Language: English
• ISBN: 0985063378
• ISBN13: 9780985063375
• Release Date: December 2015
• Publisher: Gentle Path Press
• Length: 464 Pages
• Weight: 2.70 lbs.
• Dimensions: 1.3" x 8.5" x 10.9"

Customer Reviews

Amazing

This author (Patrick Carnes) is the most knowledgable person on the topic of Sexual Addiction. This book is good for people who like to have a workbook. There are a lot of quizzes and journaling places, so you can really get to the bottom of your problems. If you are not going to want to journal or take quizzes in the book, I would reccommend some of his other books. I hear great things about his original "facing the shadow" book. I kind of wish I had bought that one actually.

Advancement and Continuation of " Don't Call It Love"

Key strategy- work to FINISH THINGS! Addicts do not finish things- prefer to "keep options open." Thrives in unfinished business. Starting more than you can finish leads to CRISIS. ENDING THINGS adds substantially to recovery. Addicts avoid completing their conversations. Important feelings and facts are not communicated. Conflict not resolved. PAIN ACCUMULATES. Increase PAIN AND COST TO STOP. Childhood needed something you didn't receive- trust, security, safety, non-sexual affection, both parents together. Normalcy. RESPONSIBILITY TO THOSE YOU HAVE HURT. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE TRANSFERRED TO CHILDREN. Addictive sex feels shameful, illicit, stolen, exploitive, and joyless. Healthy sex- adds to self-esteem, is mutual, intimate, fun, and playful. Fighting= act of trust- focus on issues. - Give outcome to God. Horniness = loneliness. When in doubt, don't. Secrets will separate you from others in recovery. Get a pet. Avoid the feeling that you are a victim. Be gentle w/ yourself about old tortuous conflicts. They are not about you! They never were! Recovery= burst of creativity. NURTURING- Learning how to care for themselves and to allow others to care for them IS essential RECOVERY TASK. Intimacy= shared experiences! FIDELITY TO YOURSELF is the ultimate act of faithfulness to the other. Trust yourself. It's as hared for your partner as it is for you! Admit mistakes. Share Spirituality. Have fun together- common experiences. Recovery- brings awareness of abuse. Sustain from sex w/o intimacy. Talk before, during, and after. Compliment your partner. Respect boundaries. Pay attention to feelings. See Sex as a legitimate joy! Take care of your body. Express attraction. Work on friendship and companionship. Fast-forward the relationship. This is even closer to a cure. Other excellent points in II Corinthians; The Message.

Good "Starter" Book...

The book is comprehensive, well-researched, and well-presented. I did learn a lot from the book, and I would recommend this book to other people beginning recovery from SA. The book talks about the ten types/stages of courtship and how sexual addiction can affect an addict, so you can diagnose yourself and where you're having difficulties from the charts. It also talks about how slips are like boulders falling off a hill, and there's a great illustration to explain that and how bottomlines can help you. What was missing for me, and hence the 4 stars, was the lack of content regarding "Relationship Recovery" part. There isn't much indication on how to go about dating the right way for S & L addicts - for example, if you saw the chart and realized you have problems with "seduction" phase of the courtship, you know you have this, but the book doesn't help you to revert this, or suggest what you're supposed to do with the diagnosis, other than "abstinence". I would say this is a great resource for Sex Addicts in Recovery, but if you are a Sex AND Love Addict in recovery - this book won't fulfill all your needs. I don't know; perhaps Carnes has written a separate book for Love Addiction that I haven't checked out yet. I would say I'm about 85% satisfied with the information provided by the book, and roughly 70% satisfied with the purchasing of this book.

Facing Reality

Dr. Carnes is a noted authority and perhaps the premier researcher in the area of sexual addiction. His work goes back easily some twenty years. I have studied with Dr. Carnes and I can say with some authority that this may be his finest work. It is the fruit of much thought and labor. It is reality. Carl Rogers said: "Until we can accept ourselves as we really are we can't change." This book, really a work book, helps the addicted person do just that. But it doesn't stop there. The addict is able to see through the work he does that he is able, through healthy activities, to regain control of his life. This is the second edition. Dr. Carnes demonstrates not only his high standards of authorship, but his humility and ability to accept constructive criticism both from within himself and I think perhaps others, in the changes he has put into this second edition. They are well worth the effort. Dr. Carnes comes at the sexual addiction issue with clarity, research, and above all empathy. His other work "The Recovery Zone," will I think prove to be as well received as this work. Roger L. Johnson M.A, Th.M. LPC Director, Day Program Meier Clinics

super workbook in tandem with group therapy

Working through this with group therapy has been wonderful and life changing. Cannot recommend it highly enough. Get Carnes' other books as well.