Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child

This book is a new, revised and updated edition of the book of the same name originally published in 1980. Dr. Ricci heads the Statewide Office of Family Court Services for California'as 82 family courts and has been a licensed marriage and family therapist for 22 years. The material for Mom's House, Dad's House came out of her experience as a therapist and mediator, teaching seminars and classes for divorcing parents. From her students and clients she learned how difficult and complex it could be for divorcing parents to pull away from their former intimate relationships and reorganize their lives. The present volume is a distillation of all that Dr. Ricci learned in those early and in subsequent years. Its goal is to inform divorcing, separated, or remarried parents on how to constructively heal the wounds of separation and establish a healthy new life for their children. Dr. Ricci argues that, contrary to traditionally accepted beliefs that divorce means destruction of the family, a new kind of really workable and satisfying family life can be created for a child while parents maintain separate residences. Reaching this state is, however, not easy. It involves an understanding by both parents of their mutual goals, and much hard work at "pre-separation boot camp" to actualize these goals. This is a painful process where former intimacy is replaced by a business-like approach with the needs of the child rather than those of the parents being paramount. The rewards to all parties are, however, enormous. Fortunately, as difficult as the process of separation may be, Dr. Ricci leads us through it in great detail, dissolving commonly held myths, describing the various stages of separation and the problems inherent in each, how to set up separate residences and still maintain a "family," and the path out of our irrational negative intimacy to a rational relationship. Her points are well-illustrated throug the felicitous and ample use of quotes from clients. Also included are sections on the all-important legal side of separation and divorce and how to make it work for you, the divorcing parent, rather than for attorneys. The basic elements of parenting plans and agreements "the most important legal document when it is filed" are well-described in great detail and are alone worth the price of the book. Post-separation problems include those of the parent who fades out of the picture and their possible re-entry into the family relationship are well-described as are the wherefores of developing an extended family and acquaintance network, long-distance parenting, and difficulties involved in moving on. remarriage, dealing with "flashbacks" to the original relationship and former family life, and all the other problems one is likely to encounter even years after a divorce. Finally, for the layman who wishes to know more and for the professional, there are sections of detailed chapter notes, further reading, and appendices on information for your child's school, how to find a knowledgeable attorney, the costs of raising children, ideas for customized private clauses for private contracts, a mediation confidentiality agreement,and a guide for choosing child care. An index completes this exceptionally well-written and edited book. I have no hesitation in highly recommending Mom's House, Dad's House to anyone contemplating or involved in separation from a marriage. Indeed, I would even consider it must reading for anyone thinking of having children, to educate them as to the seriousness of bringing a child into the world. After all, you may be the one in two couples whose relationship will end in separation. My only regret is that this book was not yet in print when I separated from a former wife years ago when we had two children. Much emotional trauma all around could have been avoided or ameliorated if we had had Dr. Ricci's wisdom and practical suggestions then. Separation and divorce will never be a pleasure for anyone with children, but armed with MOM'S HOUSE, DAD'S HOUSE, it no longer has to take its vicious emotional toll. In both my professional life as a psychiatrist and in my personal life, I recommend this book to everyone. Richard A. Blasband, M.D.

In the process of my divorce, I checked every resource I could find - in libraries, at the book store, publications from organizations...

Most of them I skimmed and saved references to the useful information. This was about the only book that made me stop and read it from cover to cover.

It's incredibly complete, with realistic advice on how to approach each situation that arises.

I have to say that I am currently in the process and almost finished reading the original Mom's House, Dad's House - Making Shared Custody Work and I cannot emphasize enough how much it has changed my belief system on shared placement (responsibilities). The very first page of Chap. 1 made me cry. My main concern was that our son (4 1/2) feel as though he had a place HE could call HOME. I felt that flip flopping back and forth on the current 5,5,2,2 day schedule was unstable for him. I feel as though an angel touched me on the shoulder and brought this book into my life. My view instantly changed about shared placement when the little girl from Chap. 1 responds to the businessman on the airplane that she has two "real" homes. I tear up thinking about each time. I no longer feel that our son should be placed primarily with me - that he will have 2 homes - 2 families and that is wonderful for him. I especially love the use of "rose" words and changing ! such terms of "visiting" to "living with" each parent. I have already implemented the use of these terms. The surveys are also wonderful self examinations that (if answered truthfully) will be so educational for you. The use of a "Parent Agreement" is also something I think is wonderful. I have already typed the initial draft and I plan to approach my child's father with it and get his input. It was great to see the different stages literally mapped out for you. I also enjoyed the chapter on changing your once intimate relationship into a business relationship and avoiding the negative intimacy that can be so prevalent in these situations and how to avoid "hot spots".

I cannot emphasize how inspirational this book has been for me!! I would and do strongly recommend this book to anyone thinking about, in the process of, or in a post-divorce situation. I believe you are guaranteed to learn more than you could possibly expect to - but you! will. Just sit back - open your mind - and the education w! ill be unlimited!!! God bless all of you who are facing any part of a separation or divorce in your lives. My prayers are with all of you and your children.

Realistic for today's world. Sure, it would be nice if we all lived in the Leave-it-to-Beaver world with the white picket fence - but we don't. Instead of suffering guilt and pain, figure out how to make a shared parenting arrangement work for everyone. Even tells you what words and phrases are most beneficial. To maintan consistent discipline I'd also suggest: Perfect Parenting by Elizabeth Pantley - buy two copies and share one with your ex!

I cringed when I heard a divorced friend of mine complain that his wife was unfairly accusing him of taking all the best stuff when they divorced, because she "got" the kids. How awful for children to be things to be won. Kids need homes and parents, and this book will help parents caught up in the current culture of "winning custody" to understand that "reasonable visitation" is a rotten way for kids to relate to their parents.

This book effectively explains what parents can do to help their kids feel loved and important and continue meaningful relationships with both parents. I highly recommend it to any divorced or divorcing parent who is committed to minimizing the divorce's negative effects on their children. The author's ideal of "two homes with no fighting" is right on track.

I also highly recommend Dr. Richard Warshak's "The Custody Revolution: the Father Factor and the Motherhood Mystique."